Today I went to Barnes and Noble with my dad, it was wonderful. My father is a brilliant man. Despite his manual labor occupation, he is one of the most philosophical men I have ever met. He has taught me so many ideals and concepts, from economy to religion. We engage in wonderful conversations over coffee.
I thirst for knowledge; I also wish I could write. This girl I met in my AIDS and Society class named Jayne, she writes beautifully. It is interesting and eloquent without being pretentious. She has an amazing skill and she develops it. I used to write and I always took pride in the fact that thought I did not like math and science, I had a huge talent for writing. After junior year of high school nearly broke me down to the point I could not pick myself up anymore, I stopped writing. That is one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life. Writing and I had passionate affair where I would write everything using metaphors, oxymorons, hyperboles, similes and I could express the deepest secrets burning my soul. I would write about my friends, my family problems, faith (or there, lack of), my issues with appearance and relationships and it was safe. People found my writing amazing and it always made me feel brilliant. There is nothing like sitting by yourself and just staring at nature and letting the words flow from your mind onto paper. It is life photography only better and more creative. We live in a visual world so writing and describing something through words is the utmost achievement. Currently I do not identify myself religious due to deeper reasons, but my favorite book is the Holy Bible. It is the epitome of a meticulously beautiful scripture.
With that said, I need to get back to writing. I will not give up. Stay tuned for the revealing writings that will come up.
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anywho...now starts my present entry...
"Siddhartha wandered into the forest already far from the town, and knew only one thing-that he could not go back, that the life he had lived for many years was past, tasted and drained to a degree of nausea. The songbird was dead; its death, which he had dreamt about, was the bird in his own heart. He was deeply entangled in Samsara; he had drawn nausea and death to himself from all sides, like a sponge that absorbs water until it is full. He was full of ennui, full of misery, full of death; there was nothing left in this world that could attract him, that could give him pleasure and solace."
a passage i randomly found while opening my favorite book....it is quite lovely and describes my life right on the dot, if i do say so myself..
these past two weeks have been extremely revealing in a particular sort of way...
I have come to terms with many things and I feel the need to apologize for some things...
first off, I need to apologize for killing the scene so many times, though I am to say that I was never alone...on the contrary, I was very much accompanied by everyone else...
there is no more scene....because we speak of it...once we stop speaking of it and stop trying to be the first one, the one ahead of the game, then [and only then] will the scene become alive again..
secondly, I need to apologize for the many times that I chose ignorance because of its presumed bliss. I grew up in an oxymornic household, where my father is the epitome of the revolutionary leftist while my mother prefers the conservative ideology. I, early on, showed signs of a leftist mind and revolutionary thoughts. However, I quickly found the burden that come with being tagged as a rebel [and I use this term in the most pure form, please do not think of hot topic]. I, lately, felt that fighting for any sort of justice for others was a waste of time as I once again was putting others before me. I figured I should just finish school, get a corporate or media job, conform to the new age ideology of our depraved generation, you know the kind where you go to a club and a guy comes over to you and starts grinding on you? Yeah that type is what I mean. I was fooled into thinking that this type of behavior was normal, cool, or even worse, an honor. I fell into it, I really did hoping that the next frat party some guy was going to come up to me and start
third of all, I feel like I need to apologize for my pretentious attitude. Everyone has their pretentious attitude, it is part of life. However, Sometimes we take it a tad far. I am brave enough to admit it boldly and I apologize for it. There are many dimensions to my pretentiousness...but here's the gist of it...I admired hipsters way too much...and I swear I can write my dissertation on them, because of what I have studied and observed. It has nothing to do with shallowness, but rather a wall for my being. I was so focused on their "innovative" and coolness that I lost myself on the way. Now I am slowly getting back on track to my own journey. It is not to say that I do not admire them anymoe, but in a different way, a cultural way...Another thing, I've tried way too hard to be ahead of the curve [this goes with my first apology] that it has made me a fool. For example, bamboo earrings, I will not get into it, but I swore I was the first non-ghetto girl who wore them.[besides sarah morrison but i can confidently say that I did not get my interest in them from her, but rather the ghetto girls from the bay area and the south] I was watching Sex and the City the other night and I was dismayed when I took notice that Carrie Bradshaw was rocking the bamboos some 5 years ago. So I am not an innovator? That is not the case, however I have had many great epiphanies where I begin liking something and right after I like it everyone else likes it too. I felt traumatized after this happened to me in second grade. I felt that I needed to prove my uniqueness through some sort of trendsetting. This mission to be a trend setter had haunted every aspect of my life to the point where I have secretly hated many of my friends because i felt that they 'stole' something from me. Whether or not it be the case, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have been going about it all wrong. The only way that i will ever be happy is through leaving it in the past and looking toward the future with a sure sense of self, and then slowly the pieces will come together.
Fourth of all, I would like to apologize for the way I look. No, this is not a self loathing ramble. On the contrary, I feel extremely comfortable with myself as of now. I am eating healthier, finding out my style and learning the proper rules. What I would like to apologize for is my lack of effort or for trying too hard. 90 percent of the time I look like a bum. The sad thing is that I have a great fashion sense, though by glancing at me you would never know. I've always felt that girls [and in this age guys too] who put an extremely unbelievable amount of time on the way they look every day leave no surprises. That is to say, if an amazingly gorgeous girl with flawless hair and make-up comes to school looking amazing everyday, what do we expect on, lets say, prom? Is there any way she could look even more great, or are we just going to see her in the the same way only in a cocktail dress? Or even worse, what if one day her schedule is messed up and then has no time to get ready, so she comes to school [or work] without her perfect hair and make-up? How would we look at her? Probably in utter disappointment. Our expectations become extremely high, and you know what they say...once you've reached the top, there is no where to go but down. I, however, took this thought a little too far, to the point where I would try to look bad almost every day and one day straighten my hair and do my make-up and match it with nice clothes in order to get the glorifying "omg you look so cute today!" Now, however I noticed that I looked so bad that just looking average made anyone give me this type of glory, and I don't know about you, but settling for average is not too fun. I also noticed that nice looking people are more respected, get more perks, and get more attention from the opposite sex. So after seeing this, I began my whole 'wear make-up everywhere and try to look nice always" phase. This phase was ridiculous...it came to the point that i would be late to class in order to put a million coats of mascara and find the perfect baby doll dress...In retrospect, i do not regret trying to look nice or even my million coats of mascara [because I love batting my long eyelashes :]] but what I do regret is the fact that I tried way too hard that I overdid it. Overdoing it =fashion crisis and ONCE AGAIN it seems like I know nothing about fashion! Anther reason for my apology is my mentality. Whenever I felt that the people or atmosphere I would be around was not worth it to me, I would look like a bum, but when I felt that I needed to impress or get noticed, I would go crazy and get dressed up. I am still in a transition, but I am thinking that I am finally going to find the balance to my fashion crisis...at least I hope so.
Fifth apology, my social awkwardness...I know that if you know me, you have noticed it...I am really not socially awkward, but I am extremely shy and get nervous around new people. This goes back to when I was a little child. My parents have protected me so much [and I am thankful] but their protection caused me to lack social skills. I was never allowed to join sports or clubs, I was never allowed to go to friends houses for sleep-overs, I was not even allowed to hug other adults....I know my parents reasons for this, but I learned to be very reserved and this led to me to develop an extremely severe social attitude. For example, i had always been the smartest girl in school and I showed it through my reading and writing, but no one would know it it were not for that. I would get panic attacks if I was called on in class even though I knew the answer. I feared being wrong and being embarrassed. This had followed me throughout my life, from kissing boys to making friends with my neighbors. In middle school, I began breaking out of my shell and all throughout high school I did well, I was still awkward but not as much, the main reason being that I had a great group of friends who were very social, I was in my comfort zone. Once college came around, i told myself that I would not be that way and I tried so very much, but being in a new atmosphere with new cultures, class statuses, and attitudes brought back all of those feelings of that little girl. This affected me meeting more people. I found some amazing people, but I felt unsatisfied because I found myself in situations where very nice people would sit next to me in class and would try to start a conversation and I could not find myself to interact. I brushed everyone off to the point that I felt miserable at the end. That, mixed with the stress of college life, caused me to have a severe depression for the last month. To make matters worse, this new online tools known as social networks such as Myspace and Facebook allowed me to be uber confident online but once I met you face to face, I would go back to my awkwardness...
My shyness and awkwardness was often mistaken for rudeness and people thinking I felt above them, which was never the case. I want to make sure to say that the people that I did get to meet in davis are amazing and this year at davis was the most amazing year I've had in my life, but I know that it could have been so much better. I am now coming into myself and I am determined to go back to davis with permanent smile and a new social attitude.
My sixth apology goes to my teachers, my professors, my t.a's, my friends, fans of my work and most of all to myself. One of my biggest passions is writing. I dream of being a journalist, fashion editor or foreign correspondent, whatever it may be, I want to write. I do not want to sound arrogant, but I do have a talent [though, please do not base assumptions nor judge me through this blog, this is just my fun hobby]. From my high school teachers to my professors, to my friends, I have always had amazing support and feedback for my writing. I am extremely intelligent, I have always been, but in high school I let my social life become my priority and I let my best student accomplishment fade away. I do need to state that I still excelled in high school and i did put effort but if I had to put the time of effort I put into high school into a percentage, it would be 10 percent AT MOST. I have so much to offer, I am a brilliant mind, but I let procrastination and conformism get the most of me...90 percent in fact. The past is the past, but I feel that I need to apologize for all those who I mistreated through my apathy. For example,when I had to make a self-reflective book full of poetry and art, I knew that I could impress everyone with my writing skills so I postponed the month-long to the night before it was due and yet still I received an A+, the second highest grade in the class. All my friends LOVED my book and would ask to read it over and over. I have taken this skill all the way to college, where I have left every single paper or essay to the night before it was due and yet I still got As and Bs....[I have had two papers that were not so great, but I completely accepted the fault an was given a second chance to write, and even then, the t.a.s wrote how impressed they were with my writing]. I really do not understand, because I do not feel I have anything special in my writing, I write from the heart, that is it. I feel that I have disrespected all my elders and even more so, Mr Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, George Orwell, Herman Hesse, Voltaire, and all my other writing inspirations, just by saying they are my inspirations. This apology can be applied to every subject, because that is me....miss. give only 10%....but I am inspired to change that....as I live with my family and see the struggles they are faced with every day and all the sacrifices they have made for me to be in college, it has finally snapped in my head that I am not there to kid around. I can have fun, but once I know my work is done. I need to get my act together and with this newfound inspiration and a wonderful new roommate, I am sure to do so....
My seventh apology is the one I am most ashamed of. From the time I was a child I knew that I would go to a four year university. NEVER in my mind did I doubt it. I was well on my way to Stanford, my so-called dream school from the time I was in third grade. I was going to go to med school and become a successful doctor. Detours through my life made me realize that I did not have a passion for medicine, and that was a disappointment in my to my parents, because they believe that success is synonymous with becoming a doctor. Once I realized my passion for writing, current affairs, and fashion, I felt that journalism was the right choice for me. My father is extremely supportive and my mother is slowly coming around [though she still shamelessly insists on becoming 'at least a nurse who is the doctor without the title' ..."think of the money" she tells me and "think of what a small chance you have on actually getting on television as a reporter, especially being latina"..."I don't care about the money and I do not aspire to be on television" I tell her]. Around the time for me to choose a school, I was set on leaving California for New York. This broke my parents' heart but I had, sometime within my life, associated success with leaving home and failure with staying. After much debate and a tour of the campus, I settled on UC Davis, the furthest school I had applied to that was still in California. I still do not regret my choice and I still associate staying back home with failure....and this leads to my apology. I apologize to my friends, my peers, and all the people who have succeeded while still staying at home. Sometimes I listen to The Format's "Interventions and Lullabies" album or watch the movie Orange County and feel that it is my life story. I needed to get out of there, los angeles, in order to live and feel worth something, because I feel that staying at home is failure, lowlife, and ever worse, the outcome of the lack of effort from their behalf.
"and these chords remain, we'll use them to exploit the friends we've since forgot those friends we've lost, you all know just who you are cause I've since made graves but im too scared to etch the names for fear that im the one who's changed"
"So give it, throw your hats in the air and change just as they land you're saying "we'll get out of here" But something tells me you're too scared to go...i miss those songs we used to sing, talking like getting away would be the greatest thing well me, i got out, and you kept singing to me like that's really going to set this free"
"I read your last entry over privileged kids keep crying the need to fit in is harder when living life from a screen old classmates please drop all your pens don't write a word cause i wont reply and im not bitter, no its just I've passed that point in my life"
so these three lyrics from The Format are what I feel. I hate it, because I am finally realizing that maybe, because of family circumstances, going away was the only way for me to succeed, but maybe those who stayed are stable enough to be successful at home. I also need, to come to terms with me being at my school. I love my school so much, but obviously going to a 4-year, there is so much discrimination toward community colleges, because it is synonymous with being dumb or lazy. I am still struggling with that, because at home I feel ashamed of saying that I go to UCD and I hate talking about it because I do not want anyone to feel that my intentions are malicious, on the contrary, I tell my friends about my experiences so they will become encouraged to finish CC and transfer. However, at davis, I am told that I should not be ashamed but rather proud because I got into my school through my own effort..Whatever it may be, this is my most sincere apology. [but they are all sincere] I hope I have never offended anyone, especially those who I care about, with my repeated idiotic synonymies. I believe that if one has the passion and desire, anything can be achieved despite living arrangement or experiences.
My eight apology goes to two types of boys...the ones who liked me and the ones I liked. These two are very different, because of a sad fact--I never liked the boys who liked and I always liked the boys who did not. I apologize to the boys I liked, I am sorry if I was ever a tad too obvious or not obvious enough. I have never been good at getting the boy I often dreamt about....I have no idea why, it just never happened. I suppose that I could not force anyone into a fake relationship. This leads me to my apology for the other type of boys...the ones who liked me....I have two reasons for apologizing...1) I am sorry I could never give you what you wanted from me, I wish I could have, but I did not want to live a lie. I could not allow myself to settle for someone that was not compatible with me. When I say settle, in no way am I suggesting that you were below me or that you are not worth it. On the contrary, I never wanted for you to waste time on me and then realize that I was not the one. I am very deceiving and if I were anyone else, I would have gotten into a relationship with you, it would have been cute for a while, and I could have even faked seriousness, but sooner [early stages] or later [marriage] I would have gone crazy and hurt you even more. All of you guys were lovely to me...those words and those gestures were amazing, sometimes freaky, but always thoughtful. I have a second apology for you 2) I apologize for luring you in. From the beginning I could have stopped it but I always used my girlish charm on you. What can I say? Every girl loves the attention and it felt nice...I was always the different girl, the one you could marry....and I really am....I am that girl, but I was never for you, but I deceived you into thinking that I was. You put so much effort and cared so much, I should have stopped it, but I did not....and for that I apologize, though I do not regret any of you in my life...i sincerely care for you, I apologize, and I am becoming a better young lady, not concerned with looking for my prince charming because I know him and eventually I will meet him...I am in no rush.
my ninth apology is very relative to this blog because it is the witness to my innocent crime...I am a lyric stealer. I do not claim lyrics to be mine, but music is such an important aspect of my life and every song that I listen to me gives me some sort of wise words that I can apply to my life. I then take these lyrics and build my life around them, I base my blogs on them and I live by them. I now would like to apologize to every artist I have ever borrowed lyrics from. I, however, would like to thank you for making my life amazing. It truly is remarkable how a little utterance from a random mind can make such an impact in my life. I apologize too because I will continue doing it, only I will be more careful to state the origin of the lyric...
My tenth apology goes to my mind, body, and soul. To make it short, I apologize to mind mind for filling it with nonsense not developing it to its full capacity. I apologize to my body for feeding it with toxic foods and drinks and for not giving it the exercise o sleep it needs. I would like to apologize to my soul for the lack of passion in it. I have been wearing myself down, but I will change my habits for each of these....
My eleventh apology is the hardest one and the most close to my heart, it is to my family. By family I mean, my mother, my father, my sister and my brother. To my parents I apologize for not becoming a doctor...haha..but seriously, I would like to apologize for any grief I have given. I know that I could not have everything I want and I appreciate what I was allowed to have...I had a great childhood....I also apologize for realizing how difficult it is to come back home. Living with you two is an oxymoron--so much love and so much deception. I wish you two the best of luck and I will help as much as I can, but I have finally come to a point in my life where I realize that I cannot help you two, only you can...I love you very much and the support is amazing..thank you and sorry for anything....I apologize to my baby brother for one simple reason...not spending enough time with you. We are from two different worlds, the ten year gap makes it so hard and the different gender only separates us more, however I love spending time with you..I will do so more often, I promise...My last apology is for my sister...and I am not going to feel bad for myself, the only true apology is for not playing with you when you were a little girl & for being too harsh sometimes presently. But my true apology is this: I am sorry for trying to be the best big sister ever. I am sorry for spending my own money on buying you things, I am sorry for taking you to MY football games and friend outings, I am sorry for not telling on you so many times, I am sorry for sneaking you into a hookah bar at 16, I am sorry for fixing you a mixed drink of Malibu at angel's party, I am sorry for letting you borrow my clothes, I am sorry for thinking of you every time we slept over anyone's house, I am sorry for being proud of your beauty and proudly introducing you to my friends,[the ones who thought you were gorgeous], I am sorry for teaching you about la revolucion and for opening your eyes, I am sorry for trying to make you into the person I always wanted to be, I am sorry for showing you how to straighten your hair, I am sorry for introducing you to Imogen Heap's "Speeding Cars", I am sorry that I have a better Ipod that you--the same one that I earned with my own hard work, I am sorry that you cannot keep my name out of your mouth, though I asked you repeatedly, I am sorry you are so stubborn and strong, I am sorry about making you feel bad about tyler and not liking robert or jenny [and I still won't because I am stubborn too], I am sorry for not taking you to see Seasons, I am sorry that you do not have your own laptop [but you will soon..if you do good in school], I am sorry if I ever took anything away from you, I am sorry for shoving religion and my ideals of success down your throat, I am sorry that you do not have a spiritual connection and i hope you one day do, I am sorry that my parents did not punish you harsher, I am sorry that I cannot stay mad at you, I am sorry I even get mad at you, I am sorry that I doubt you, because I have given you all of me and even with that you disappointed me in a way that you will never understand, I am sorry that I now have to see to believe, I am sorry that you have a myspace addiction,I am sorry that I hate when you are in my bed, I am sorry that I miss you when you are NOT in my bed, I am sorry that you are so irritating, annoying, and selfish, I am sorry that I cannot wait to get out of this house, I am sorry you feel the same way, I am sorry that I miss you so much when I am gone, I am sorry that you steal my stuff, I am sorry that I secretly hope you like what I introduce you to, I am sorry for loving you so much, and finally I am sorry that I made this so long....I have been meaning to tell you how angry I am at you and this was the only way that you would not bite my head of..basically, I am sorry and not sorry for the same reason....that I have given you everything I have because I believed in you so much....basically I am sorry for expecting you to follow in my footsteps...waiting to be an adult to go out, excelling in school, and being submissive, but I guess you are you...Chevy, not me Melsa....and for that I am not sorry....because somewhere in there there is an amazing person....
Lastly, my twelfth apology goes to my laptop Penny Lane, because I abuse her, I never give her a rest, but I love her so much...I promise to protect her and give her a rest once in a while.....
so there they are, my apologies, my writing, my love...
I am sorry for them being so long, but if you read all of it, I cannot thank you enough....
sorry for any typos and misspellings, it is really late and really hott....
My favorite photograph of the day, El Salvador<3
recommendation for today?
The Beatles "A Day in the Life" &
John Denver "Leaving on a Jet Plane"
I have awesome blogs coming up....so stay tuned!!!
...in with the outro and out with the old....
حالة حبّ سلام وإيمان
love, peace and faith...
-melidee
