the comeback...

...i never thought I'd be sick of it but i finally am sick of this scene...
i need to escape...
high expectations disappoint, low expectations murder the soul...
somehow i find myself wanting to be disappointed.

this is preposterous, the pretentiousness...
too conspicuous to be a real threat, and yet it is...

I had forgotten that I really hate summer, i bought into all the hype of the magical summer of 07 :/
maybe it was because of the magical summer I had last year, but i forgot it was a one time deal, because it was new, raw, real, hot, lovely,lively, a true sense of the native Los Angeleno and, of course, full of great local music...
(you know who you are), but once again, it WAS just a one time deal.
I forgot how hot it gets, how horrible it is not to drive, to live far away from my world, how my disease comes back during the summer, & how much I despise summer clothes...

most of all I hate being at home....because it is not like before, not one bit...
I enjoy it, a little too much and that frightens my very soul.
I need to get back to Walden,
I needed to travel this summer, to continue the journey...
the journey which will help me make my decision,
ignorant bliss or rude awakening?
every day I am pulled to each side, and believe me, they both contain valid and convincing points...
so whats a gal to do without travel as means?
read, write, reflect....

you see, I'm no artist by traditional standards...
I can't paint anything even a bit creative &
I don't even stay inside the lines
but I am an art enthusiast...

I can't play an instrument for the life of me besides the basic drum beat & that pesky recorder that has maintained my ill-fated fingers in a 'skipped record' motion for the past nine years...
but music is the only fixation that never lets down...just like that oral fixation that I get from that cancer stick...it is sometimes wrong and depraved but that is what gives me the satisfaction.

I can't design clothes, hell I can't even sew a button onto my pencil skirt.
and yet I feed my mind outlandish scenarios of me taking the fashion industry by storm...
even with the preposterousness of it all, I am still convinced that i will...i will be editor of your favorite fashion read....maybe not editor in chief, but only by choice...

I can't sing, I only sound beautiful in the shower, though I am told that everyone does...I jokingly talk about my beautiful voice and taking it to the American Idol auditions or spittin' rhymes with the homies in the CPT
but truthfully, I only lay in bed with my computer on blast and listen to his voice, wishing it was directly to me.

I can't make videos or documentaries,I can't take efficient photographs...
I thought about taking this photography thing seriously many times, and then I felt selfish for trying to take the opportunity away from someone who TRULY feels the passion for it. I decided to stick to snapping shots for my own personal memory's sake....

I am no activist nor politician, not yet...
I struggle between my two passions...figuring out a way to intertwine them...
the politics of fashion?
the fashion of politics?
politics in a relatively rebellious fashion?
fashion in a political spectrum?
I have not figured it out yet...I'll keep you updated.

all I can do is write, I abuse my keyboard..
I expect it to work miracles so that she can get the message or he may know my true intentions.
..and yet I let it go once again. I stopped writing and have lost all my ability.
I let a lethargic and drama driven year rob me of what I did best, what I knew best, what I loved best.

Now I attempt to win the love of my pen, paper and keyboard back, for they have been betrayed by me and my shallow and insecure words for far too long....
I attempt to reestablish that connection between us all, the one that so miraculously got me to where I am today, a place closer to success.
I leave for school in less than a month with a great tan, some fond memories, a bit more knowledge, a greater love for my family, and a great sense of understanding..........of what you ask?
I have absolutely no idea.....

-melidee