I know that I have been posting way too many Voxtrot related things lately but I suppose posting things that are of particular interest to me is what I'm supposed to do in my blog, so here it goes. As I was looking for the usual Voxtrot "Trouble" Youtube video I play at work (since Trouble is not on their Myspace or Facebook pages and since Pandora is random) I came across this video version I had never seen before. Simply put, I absolutely love it [I secretly watched it at work about three times before I felt guilty about not working, so continued to listen to it while doing general tasks around the office]. There is so much character to this video. I particularly like that it does not focus on Ramesh the entire time but rather on the environment. This is not to say that I believe this version is "better" than the original, it's just different. I know it's kind of unoriginal but "Trouble" has always been one of my favorite songs precisely because it has so much character, it's so vivid with imagery and wordplay, don't you think? It has this spunky, random, clever je ne sais quois spirit that always puts me in a good mood.
So, I'd been having a relatively good couple of weeks, particularly regarding my senioritis, but yesterday I broke down. Of course, I decided to accompany my breakdown with Voxtrot as the soundtrack and, just like that, I had the most depressing night of the past two weeks. I ended up taking a night walk (It's finally Spring in Davis and absolutely beautiful) and through the purifying tears, I came to many realizations, including, how [lost and] lonely I am. The accompanying realization to this was that I am absolutely fine with it. I know, I know, everyone says this and as John Mayer says of his song "Perfectly Lonely", this is a feeling that lasts about as long as the song does, but, truly, I am. As Conor Oberst expresses in "Hit the Switch", this is how I feel 99% of the time: "I'm completely alone at a table of friends, I feel nothing for them-nothing, nothing!" I've never felt joy from being around people which is the primary reason I am so completely socially awkward, but I just cannot get myself to forge an appealing personality for the sake of friends. I just want to be a solitary soul, with Macbook and fingertips pen and paper in hand as the tools of a professional observer. Life is just too damn interesting, what else is there to do? Maybe one day, in a different context, I'll have a group of friends or something, but I just don't know. Anyway, lloré the entire walk home and felt absolutely cleansed-for the night at least. I truly believe that my life will always consist of this necessary depressing feeling, it's a sad life but it's the life I, foolishly, choose.
Today in Arabic class, I fell completely head-over-heels back in love with the language. I love analyzing and deconstructing the texts. If only I spoke it as well as I wrote it. It is written in the tea leaves & coffee grounds for me to relocate to a Middle Eastern country as soon as possible. Maybe life will seem a bit less senseless somewhere where the biggest cause of one's frustration is not something like terrible wireless signal (I'm so frustrated right now); maybe one day I'll be able to sentirme mas cerca a la especie humana, tan extraña para mi. Plus, life truly makes much more sense going from right to left, don't you agree? Enjoy!
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