Me, doing the only thing that truly makes me happy: getting lost in a new city.
I'm not really sure how to deal with death. I've never really had to, I mean. Both my paternal and maternal grandparents are alive and relatively healthy. I was too young to remember when my great-grandparents passed away so, sadly (or fortunately?), I have no connection. I know that death is inevitable (unless you're the 12th Shi'a Imam Muhammad al-Mahdi who was born in 689 AD and is currently in Occultation. The dude is 1321!) but from what I can tell, I will be horrible at dealing with it when the time comes. When Aaliyah died, I skipped church and stayed home to cry. When Heath Ledger died, I left work early, cried but mostly sat in silence because I could not comprehend how it was even possible. I 'dealt' with it by writing a letter to Matilda in form of a blog post here. When DJ AM died, I sat in my living room crying; I've never understood why his death, in particular, hurt me so much-I'm not a huge fan but there was something about the entire situation-his essence, his notoriety, his addictions, the people he was surrounded by, the tragedy behind it all, and the fact that, at the end of the day, he literally seemed like a down-to-earth guy who just so happened to be surrounded (and loved) by all these 'famous' people. The point is, if I broke down for these people, who I, essentially, only 'knew' through the way they were marketed and portrayed - how will I react when (God willing, not anytime soon) someone I personally know dies?
I had someone relatively familial die this week. She was sort of an aunt and my sister's godmother. Like I said in the intro sentence, I'm not really sure how to deal with death (does anyone, Mel?). I was not particularly close to this person, but I happened to live with her my senior year of high school because of technical reasons. When I got the news of her death, I cried a bit, but mostly, I felt too disconnected with the entire situation (her family-half of whom are also my family-and I do not get along). I am too far (emotionally and physically) to assess the situation. I feel awkward and terrible. Even worse, I cannot help but think that she might be in a better situation now. Ugh, doesn't everyone always say that as a sort of comforting/coping mechanism ? Truthfully, this woman suffered a great deal in her life. She also was not the nicest person in the world. She was a harmless woman with a strong opinion and even stronger personality. Thus, by the end of her life she had no one; she literally floated from couch to couch, taking as much pity as she could conjure up. She had no children and left only a husband who was living working in Massachusetts. She was loved, in a certain (unconventional) way.
This is just one of those situations that's very difficult to process. All of the factors seem to add up and her tragic life is difficult to take in. While trying to assess the situation, it hit me -or my ego, rather -how incredibly God-complexed I am. What makes me think I have to right to assess and determine how her death should be taken in (if she's better off dead, etc)? Death is death- it's so final (in this world, at least, and depending on your personal beliefs). As I sat out on the green grassy hill overlooking the pond, barefoot, and watching the sun fade away, I had a moment of clarity; it was one of those moments where I swear I could feel heaven. I had a rush to my head (possibly due to the split second euphoric state I self-induced) and I could see everything. Unfortunately, the only thing I was left with was this cliche: Life is precious (I really wanted something new and exciting). Actually, it was more like: Every single life is equally precious. And that's it.
Anyway, this dear lady (God bless her and rest her soul) also made me reassess many aspects of my life. I've decided to be slightly more open-minded about things (namely: having children, relationships and-just maybe-marriage. Okay, maybe not. Or...I don't know). I still firmly believe that certain people are not meant to have children and I still think that I may be one of those people. It's just...it's a bit sad that this lady will be buried today and she won't have any offspring to say their final goodbye. Children do not validate people, it's just, I feel like if she could have, she would have wanted children. I guess what I'm getting at is that I should be more grateful that I (presumably) actually have the option.
Anyway, this dear lady (God bless her and rest her soul) also made me reassess many aspects of my life. I've decided to be slightly more open-minded about things (namely: having children, relationships and-just maybe-marriage. Okay, maybe not. Or...I don't know). I still firmly believe that certain people are not meant to have children and I still think that I may be one of those people. It's just...it's a bit sad that this lady will be buried today and she won't have any offspring to say their final goodbye. Children do not validate people, it's just, I feel like if she could have, she would have wanted children. I guess what I'm getting at is that I should be more grateful that I (presumably) actually have the option.
All this talk of life and death made me think about the way we live our lives. The way I currently live (with respect to the way my entire family and all my friends live) and the way I hope to live a nomadic life (with respect to the way all my successful college friends hope to live) is so different from the people around me. I thought about Voxtrot and the lovely "Raised by Wolves" lyrics: I will never live like you / But you will probably die like me / Oh lovelessly, an ending / Full of God, and God makes plenty. Esto es lo que e sentido toda mi vida. I've also had "Ghost" on repeat the entire week; it takes up an entirely different feel when you listen to it with the death theme (that it was originally intended for) in mind; so beautiful. The point is not to relate life and death back to these songs but, rather, for me to constantly evaluate and question the way I live to make sure I'm following my heart. I need to make sure to always keep this in mind; instead of just daydreaming about how I hope to live my life (always remembering that if I want to make God laugh, tell him my plans) I need to wake up and just do it.
I fear normalcy and calmness way too much. I cannot, and will not, allow myself to be scared into a comfortable life. It is not what I want; I've never had a stable, comfortable life (besides these past four college years and the bubble is quickly driving me insane) and I never want one. Eighteen years I've been trained with the skills to survive extreme instability and it's the only time I've truly felt like my life had a purpose. If I ever begin talking (or writing, rather) about jobs, positions, salaries, resumes, interviews, loans, debt and all that shit as if it were actually important or relevant to life (especially when there is true tragedy and anguish occurring outside this mind-numbing dystopia) please let me know. Anyway, I just opened my little black notebook and, in it, found the infamous Trainspotting quote:
"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food in your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons?" (I promise not to turn to heroin).
I don't exactly know what I want specifically, but I know what I don't want. I don't want to live like most of my friends and family. I don't want to push information (false info, at that) in a fucking numbers' game just for a stable paycheck. I don't think it's a bad way to life. I think it's most logical and most conformable way to life. It's the most 'human nature' way to live: we are selfish beings, it's the way we should live and the reason we've survived and thrived (eh) as a species. Well, I guess I would rather be killed off as part of the crazy inept outlier. I truly am happy for all you folks who choose to live rationally to survive. Truthfully, I must state my gratitude, once again, because I actually have the option to live this way. The fact is, I have the option to live the overindulgent comfortable life that the entire world longs for (and only us privileged are 'entitled to'; so infuriating). However, I choose not to take it: that is pretty selfish. It's almost mocking, no? I realize this but I don't mean it that way; I am so grateful. I think we all know, deep inside, what we want and what we need. We must transcend the fear and just follow it.
Rest in peace, Miriam.
Portishead, the entire Dummy album. Always. So. Damn. Good.
