Excuse me, umm, have you seen my heart? I can't seem to find it.

salient /saylint/ • adjective 1 most noticeable or important. 2 (of an angle) pointing outwards.

I guess there are many points in life where you think you are growing up; then there are the times you really are growing up. There are times where you think you are helping people but you're not; then there are times when you are helping and you don't even realize it. There are times you want to help people, then there are the times when they actually need your help, and you won't help them.

I suppose that this post adolescence idealistic phase should start getting old but g_damn I am going insane. All this knowledge and all these experiences and yet I seem to know sh**. Or maybe that's not it, cause I've never felt more sure of my life. Of course everyone has insecurities. "The future"<-- I suppose I could stress over whether or not I will join the Peace Corps right after college or if I should go to grad school first. Well, I'm studying for the GREs anyhow, so I might as well not stress over it and just see where I will be a year from today.

I like plans, I have my four year plan and at the end of every quarter I eagerly wait to get my grades so I can check those classes off my list. I've learned though that plans are kind of like a guideline for less significant things that we have no passion for. That is not to say that I have no passion for school, it's just that I want to be done with it to move onto more significant things.

I also realized that this 'making life long friends' in college is not really happening for me. I've met great people, amazing even. However, I just can't seem to commit to anyone. I almost felt sad about it but now I think that's the way it's supposed to be. I mean, my future consists of extreme instability and will only involve commitment to the people/project I will be working on. If I were to make these 'life-long' friends, it would be way too difficult to let go. Sometimes I have a hard time letting go. I do love people here though, I think they know who they are.

While we're on the topic, I've also been really irritable lately. It's this disgusting American impatience that manifests itself around everything I do. Lately I feel like I want to punch stupid people in the face. Worse, my idea of stupid people has broadened significantly. I have a slight suspicion that working with Donna and Julie has something to do with it. Haha, I have seemed to adopt Julie's grunt every time I am frustrated, which has been way too much lately.

I guess it's also winter quarter? Winter quarter is my favorite victim, I love to blame it for everything. I suppose 9am language classes every day don't help either. I guess the fact that I'm a terrible guardian is not the best thing (esp. during my junior year of college during a post adolescence crisis). The roommate's constant loud jumping and music early morning and late at night isn't helping either. I suppose that's life though? It's all about compromise because life can never be as perfect as you want it to be.

All in all though, I'm keeping my cool. I'm thinking of that saying, the one I say over and over (it's my third eye, take that Ally Hilfiger!)................
If you have a problem and there's a solution, then don't worry about it because there is a solution;
If you have a problem and there's no solution, then don't worry about it because there is no solution.
and that's life.

I'm looking forward to spring quarter because spring is always the prettiest. I looked at Micheal's pics from Argentina and I am in complete nostalgia for summertime. I was robbed out of one summer month last summer since it was wintertime in Chile during June-July.

I hope he's doing well. I miss texting him every once in a while. I hope he knows how lucky he is to be able to study abroad all semester. I wish I could be brave enough. I'm sticking to my four-year plan though. I miss everything about South America, I miss the PDA, the smog, the nightlife but what I miss the most is the lifestyle. I miss not having to be in a rush all the time. G_d! Each day seemed to last us a week. I hope he just randomly goes walking around with his ipod and just people-watches the way we used to in Mendoza. I hope he realizes that we are all just living in a big giant mall (♥ hahaha)

I miss speaking Spanish so much. I miss listening to people speak it around me, especially colloquial Spanish. I am glad that I never had to be convinced what a great language Spanish is; it is just so beautiful and expressive. I always find it interesting that most of our SAT vocabulary in English were the same as our normal Spanish vocabulary. Arabic is quite a beautiful language as well. The awzn and the jidrs are the coolest thing ever. I am falling behind lately, though. After a year and a half, I am really wearing out. At the end of the day, I just want to hold a conversation with the people of the Middle East; I'm not sure how writing essays in Fous'ha will necessarily help me. [It will help me! X4]


Lately, I've had the strangest longing to go camping and connect with nature. I started re-reading Thoreau's Walden this winter. I, unfortunately, did not finish it because I accidentally left it at home. The ideas, though, are so progressive. I suppose that at the time they could not have been able to grasp the technological revolution and what lengths it would take. However, this idea of removing oneself from modern civilization and "depriving" oneself of technology in order to connect with Earth itself, that is progressive. I think that's where we'll soon be going as a society.


I am really looking forward to traveling to Portland next month. I think I really need it. Portland sounds like the most ideal city to detox a bit. I guess Conor Oberst thinks Glendale is detox enough? Well, after living my life 10 mins away from Glendale I think I need somewhere new. Fine dining in the greenest city in the U.S. where sales tax is non-existent? Yum.
I think my friends and I are going to have a good time. It sounds ridiculously obvious but we've all changed so much and yet we still get along just fine. We'll be spending vday together which is exactly the way I want it.

I am completely over the idea of a significant other. I mean, really? I don't need anyone to help me validate myself. I feel absolutely great about myself. Oh g_d, now I sound like a crazy feminist. hahaha. Not really though, I just kind of learned so much in the past year in terms of 'relationships'. I suppose I'm just not that into them. I don't understand the concept. I hate the head over heels ideal; the only (maybe) acceptable time is when it's completely mutual. Even so, I don't think I've ever come close to finding anyone who is at least a bit similar to someone I would consider dating. The only person I've ever thought would be it for me was "X" years older than me and always saw me as a little sister/student. Now he seems even further than ever. And I am perfectly fine with that.

¿A dónde te marchas, canción de la brisa,
tan rápida, tan detenida,
disparo en la sien y metralla en la risa,
gaviota que pasa y se lleva la vida?

I think I've turned into a robot.

I suppose I should get back to studying now. But before I go, I have one last non-dilemma.
I want to go to Peru this summer but everyone else is pressuring me to go to Switzerland.
I have absolutely no interest in Europe. None.
Who says sh*t like this?
Freakin stupid American. At least I know that I'll be knee deep in debt from student loans.
And I love it.

"La Gaviota"

-melidee