I am not well today. In four days I am getting all I ever wanted. Ironically, all that's preoccupying my mind are superficial things like the fact that, besides getting a degree, the other thing I've always wanted is to be skinny--87 lbs to be exact (that's how much my mommy weighed when she was my age and she never lets me forget it). I suppose it's a defense mechanism. It would not be a superfluous notion to say that I have never in my life felt the degree of uncertainty I do now. My dreams, those big dreams I've had since I can remember, are all gone. It's such a sad feeling, I'm having so much trouble dealing with this anxiety. Can someone please let me know it's okay that I don't give a fuck about getting a job, making money or having even the slightest bit of success? These are things I've never really wanted and I'm sure that I've made this clear. However, the difference in the current state I find myself in is that the my real dreams--getting a Doctorate's in economic development, going out and saving the world--they're all gone. I have this sordid feeling in my stomach, it's repulsive. The only dreams that have not completely vanished are my dreams of vagabonding; I've saved up enough for a trip but honest to God, right now, a one way ticket Portugal or Jordan feels right. If anyone is doing any traveling after mid August, get at me. This is so frustrating, I cannot even construct a decently written blog post today. Don't you just hate when stupid shallow people try to sound deep? I promise that as soon as this is over, I will be the better person I am. I do not even recognize myself right now. I really need to complain about things that matter. I really should finish writing this paper and study for the last two finals.
Some Borges to remind me why I love what I do:
"One of the schools in Tlön has reached the point of denying time. It reasons that the present is undefined, that the future has no other reality than as present hope, that past is no more than present memory . . . Another maintains that the universe is comparable to those code systems in which not all the symbols have meaning, and in which only that which happens every three hundredth night is true."
- "Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius"
Dr. Dog "Pretender"
-melidee
