tv is exciting no more...
internet bores me....
music has become all the same...I am ready for something new and innovative....
alcohol has become my enemy....
looking for a way to lose some fat...especially in the boob area...they are getting ridiculously big....
to the point that they have become everyones favorite topic....
"you're a boy and I'm a girl".
yeah...its those weird statements that are so obvious but still intrigue me...
i need to find a way to earn money...
i need to find a way to keep my hair straight and looking nice...
its late saturday/early sunday
so what did i do to keep my life a little exciting on a saturday night?
midnight dip in the pool....with krissy and justin...then headed to in 'n' out for yummy burgers at 1:30am...
it was amazing, all that was missing was a boy<3
so I've been going through crap....and I feel that today its all about raw honesty...
the kind of honesty that scares the crap both out of me and the reader...
like when people tell me that my blogs are wayyy too long...well you know what?
I don't give a fuck...why? because I write for myself, it's my outlet..I just so happen to expose it to the world..
I won't cut my blogs shorter because those who care about me will read it all...
so this raw honesty what does it consist of? well
for example Benincio del Toro....if I had him in an elevator I'd ....
well i don't know what I'd do but it would be hot...i guarantee you that
so i have a non-existent sex life...but it's by choice...
I'm no fucking 'I'm saving myself for marriage' shit...nope I hate that crap...
its fine if you are...and you know what? that might be me..I might wait till marriage, who knows? but I hate when people have to go announce it to the world...I keep my affairs to myself because they are private...so I haven't found the right guy...or even a guy close to 10% of what the ideal guy would be...yeah..they are all losers...they all have something bad about them...either their STUPID laugh or their pretentious attitude, their love for money, or drugs, or music, or sex, or they are just fucking stupid.....and no, I'm not a lesbian....believe me..I'm not...I LOVE guys with my all...its just so difficult..I however have found the main reason...so this is me:
when I think a guy is too full of himself and I see stupid whores throwing themselves all over him, I'm mean, but now I'm like, I'm not a bad person..I should just be neutral toward him because if I'm mean, then I just look like a loser...
then when I think a guy is hot...I get all shyy...like ridiculously shy..its so lame...I'm socially awkward...then there is the guy I would NEVER in my life give the time of day [harsh I know...i suck]...and with those guys I act all confident and cute....making them fall for me...and then I reject them...well you know what? I'm horrible...that is so wrong...
i need a transition...
will I ever have my "Hands Down" day? I thought i did, but apparently not...
so what is the "hands down" day?
"and you kissed me like you meant it..and I knew that you meant it"
I know I know you hate that sappy whiny crap..but you know you love it...
so a "Hands Down" day is a the hands down best day of your life..no comparisons...
listen to "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional...
I'm lonely...and I love it most of the time..no one to bug me and I get all the writing and thinking I want...but then there are those days where you are watching a funny video on Youtube or you are reading something so awesome or you are having an epiphany and you turn around to tell someone, but there is no one there...and you are like shit I wish someone was here....but the worst is when you are lonely in bed and you just want to cuddle, but your pooh bear can only do so much...and you are not at home so you cannot just go into the next room to sleep with your parents...you are just stuck in that lonely bed that can easily fit two.....and you close your eyes and begin dreaming about that one night..that night that you were bad...but it felt so good to be bad...and you know its wrong but you don't give a fuck....so you put on some effin wonderful music and think of all the possibilities...you fall asleep daydreaming and you wake up late in the afternoon and you turn around and you are fucking lonely....and it's a harsh truth because you know that it's your fault..you rejected him so he is not there with you...
I am divided between who I am and it sucks....
you imagine your cute little body with a 6 foot tall guy who really likes you and he is kissing your neck just the way you like it and you kiss his neck and his stomach and his lips with those cute kisses...and you want him to look down at you and you look up because you are only 4' 9" and he kisses your forehead, he likes when you wear baby doll dresses and flats...he likes your funny face..and the fucking crazy thing is that you like him too...genuinely, you see yourself with him....he is that hybrid you always dreamed about..
so since I've met the 'college boy' and I can no longer go back...it sucks because i will be back home in about a month and i can no longer have a boy who is not in college..its just not for me... i need substance in my life...and thats harsh too but i NEED a boy who knows the difference between "they're" "there" and "their" the difference between "your" and "you're" and that it is "supposedly" NOT "supposably".
I need a boy who knows that there is life outside of gigs and trips to city walk, who is aware of what is going on in Israel and Palestine, in Darfur, who is REALLY against the war in Iraq but because of the foreign policy & economic factors not just because he wants to be a fucking rebel and say "Fuck Bush" no...no fuck Bush..he has nothing to do with it..he is an idiot..he has no blame...he is a puppet..this boy needs to know the types Muslims and needs to know about the leftist takeover in Latin America...he needs to know who Ernesto Guevara really was, who Hugo Chavez is, He needs to be able to teach me things but not think that I'm dumb...he needs to either speak to me in Spanish or the language besides English he knows...because he needs to know more than one language...its essential..
he needs to like Rap and Hip-Hop as much as Indie, Pop, and Rock....real rock....
...he needs to like my thizz face...
he needs to know who The Decemberists, Immortal Technique, and Uffie are and know all the lyrics to "Ain't Nothing but a 'G' Thang". He needs to like both Blink 182 and Led Zeppelin....and if he doesn't, have an open mind so I can teach him good music....he needs to serenade me with a guitar or piano...
.....he needs to be talking to his buddies and say.."thats my girl" call me boo, baby girl, lady and such in the ironic way..he likes sitting on the couch while we make out and if will feel oh so good...
...I'm pickyyy......I'm surfing the crimson wave
so i know i sound totally different..i NEVER cuss and I'm not going to start, but this is poetic license...it's for the piece so don't freak out...i'm not a cussing person...
so will this guy EVER actually come?
i don't know....but at the end of the night [or early in the morning] I have an awesome time dreaming about him....
I've found some pics I'd like to share; my fave pics this week:
me and mata...pound and twist
my lovely asians<3
my strangers...
my hometown
my baby boyy
myself
reminicing childhood innocence
like, omg
so long so long.....
lovely
me and my cousin at the peak of my life...
so I have self-proclaimed myself "Lua"
or at least thats who I am half the time
I am here to better myself, but I cannot forget to have fun because college goes by way too fast I have heard...and you know what? its true because in a month and a half its over...my freshman year of college is gone...overall?
amazing..simply amazing...
I am here to make you all proud but I cannot forget about myself...
I know what I want and with the help of God and my loved ones, I will achieve it....
today I am a cute 4' 9" messy haired girl.....
and some boy out there is looking for precisely that, a cute 4' 9" messy haired girl.....its just a matter of when he will find me..
it has taken me 6 hours to write this
[on and off of course!]
so midterms all this week?
I will be prepared to tackle them fosho....
so here you go...rawness
rawr.....
depends on how i feel but I might post more of these....
recommendation for today? The Format "Interventions and Lullabies" album
& Mims "This is why I'm hot"
till next time....
-melidee
