.Ojalá

.....okay, so the gist of it is that I am too scared to write.
this blog has become a joke, with some tiny thoughts that are particularly revealing only some of the time and that is not enough

I need to respect these keys that I press to form these imprudent pieces I dare call my writing.

I mean, really, I used to be good! No,I used to be great and I knew it, now I kind of just lost it. See? that there was just stupid, i mean, who just loses something like that? It still has to be there or it was just never there at all, right? I think that I have just not kept in touch with it. You know, it's kind of like high school and I, we are trying but we have just not kept in touch. I need to rekindle that intimacy (writing, not high school). Sometimes I get jealous of those people who have continued writing, I feel left behind. That's so incredibly idiotic and selfish though, because they continued to feed their talent, they take the time and effort to develop their passion. It has to be more than just innate. I mean innateness is part of the equation, of course, but there needs to be time development practice...success, failure, etc. It's that balance! I like reading this girl from school's pieces, Jayne. I mentioned to her that I used to write and she is always so encouraging, just judging by these blog entries. She encourages me to write and submit to her lit mag. She encourages me to apply to the school newspaper. And I mean, I should, right? I really should. I really really should. I really need to stop this shit about not being able to write, but I want to deliver, I want to be able to live up to what I consider my biggest passion. Poetic License, sir. I'm feeling better about many things, though. I'm staying optimistic. I abhor the holidays. I, of course, got nothing. All I really wanted was:

.a thesaurus
.a nice juicy black pen
.an English-Hebrew dictionary
.a piano
.moccasin booties
.a nice haircut
.a good spot to write

....and a muse.

(necesito un unicornio azul.)

Silvio Rodriguez "Ojalá"

Ojalá que las hojas no te toquen el cuerpo cuando caigan
para que no las puedas convertir en cristal.
Ojalá que la lluvia deje de ser milagro que baja por tu cuerpo.
Ojalá que la luna pueda salir sin ti.
Ojalá que la tierra no te bese los pasos.

Ojalá se te acabe la mirada constante,
la palabra precisa, la sonrisa perfecta.
Ojalá pase algo que te borre de pronto:
una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve.
Ojalá por lo menos que me lleve la muerte,
para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre
en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones:
ojalá que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones

Ojalá que la aurora no de gritos que caigan en mi espalda.
Ojalá que tu nombre se le olvide a esa voz.
Ojalá las paredes no retengan tu ruido de camino cansado.
Ojalá que el deseo se vaya tras de ti,
a tu viejo gobierno de difuntos y flores.

Ojalá se te acabe la mirada constante,
la palabra precisa, la sonrisa perfecta.
Ojalá pase algo que te borre de pronto:
una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve.
Ojalá por lo menos que me lleve la muerte,
para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre
en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones:
ojalá que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones

Ojalá pase algo que te borre de pronto:
una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve.
Ojalá por lo menos que me lleve la muerte,
para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre
en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones:
ojalá que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones

wow, throwback...heaven was there.


sorry, it's still The Beatles.
-melidee

..nothing is real

gasp....I'm back!
long long hiatus..life has been busy and crazy, I just finished fall quarter of my sophomore year and I am still alive!
my life since the last couple of posts consisted of school 60% of the time, work 30% and leisure 10% but that lived up that leisure time...
I absolutely loved all my classes except macroeconomics. This following statement sums up my feelings toward the subject:

"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible." -Alfred A. Knopf

other than that, life has been pretty amazing. I worked like crazy and got to know my little kiddies. I really am loving babysitting/tutoring for this family.
When I did have a chance to go to a party or two, I made sure to have a great time, you know, kiss a couple of frogs. Mostly though, I was just a homebody. I really enjoyed the time I had to myself.

I really do not want to make this post long and exhausting, so I'll leave it a little vague but I do want to share what has been one of the greatest things that has happened to me, I am finally realizing what it is that I want to do. I have been struggling with what I want to do after college. The best thing I can do is head on over to grad school right after, but being realistic, I feel that I will be too burnt out to work efficiently. Since I have decided that I do not want a family of my own, at least not anytime soon, I figure that I will have time to go to grad school later on in my 20s. So I have explored my other options: move back home and get a good job to save up money, try to get a job in NYC or San Francisco and get a hip apartment to live the independent city life, travel the world, or join the Peace Corps...
Right now I am really leaning toward the Peace Corps, the only thing that is making me a little hesitant is the two-year commitment. It is not at all that I would not want to give up two years, but more like, I am scared of the effect that it will have on me once I move back to the U.S. because I have heard horror stories. My latest option is my favorite, but many people think I am crazy. After college I want to move to Israel.... and you know what? I will do it.....

today: Aesop Rock "Coffee" and anything by The Beatles

-melidee