instigators, perpetrators & innovators.

To Matilda,

...every once in a while it occurs to me that life is just a silly game. I have worked ridiculously hard to get to where I am at, and at these random instances, I wonder what it's all worth, because there is life and there is death. I, however, will not give the people who want to see me fall the satisfaction of my self-doubt. Thank God (and only him) that I always come back to earth, or rather, go back to heaven. This world makes no sense, obviously, but nonetheless, that is what keeps me going. Sure, I could really try to go through life and make it as simple as possible....most people do and I find it admirable, you know? To be able to ignore the troubles of others and just live life for the ones I truly care for? What I would give to just be able to be so blind, but I was not brought up that way. Personally, I believe that life should not be wasted. How, oh so very extravagant, melissa! Yeah, I know! Shut up.But fuck man! This life is way too complicated and simple and lovely and tragic and stupid! Not even God's words make sense in the literal "human reasoning" way. That's because that they're not supposed to or else what would be the point!?! I am no Bible belt product, and I, more than anyone else, believe in being assertive, independent, and rational but there are just some things that truly should not even be attempted to be explained! There are so much more worthwhile causes to try explain and fix. You know what, though? Never mind! The only thing that this will bring is people thinking that I am a narrow minded conservative blah blah....but have you really ever stopped to wonder? I bet that 99% of the kids I went to high school with associate themselves with the democratic liberal party....not that there is anything wrong with that (for I am truly liberal in many aspects as well) but the problem comes in when ignorant people associate things with the wrong ideas (i.e democratic party equals open-mindedness, but under whose terms and standards?! you see the hypocrisy?) Whatever...all I know is that if I were to ask 85% of the people around me about what is going on in the world today, they would have no idea what to respond...and it's fine I guess, just a tad disappointing.... I've sooooo gone off tangent!

my point is, no one is perfect, no one should be. No one should be able to know everything, no one should ever believe that they should even attempt to know everything. With that said, I believe that every once in a while there are these certain type of people, people that are just so mesmerizing, spellbinding, beautifully gruesome and just plain brilliant. These people are just top notch for some reason or another, but there are limits to our brilliance, and they could be imposed by God or maybe due to our own faults. Whatever the reason may be, this over exuberance must be tamed and controlled. Think of the Tower of Babel, where God knocked down the tower that the people of Babel were making to reach heaven. Could it be that God felt a bit threatened and had to destroy the tower or could it just be a mere reason of respect? Again, whatever it may be, this pattern seems to follow all great and brilliant people. One of my favorite quotes ever is from Ricardo Arjona "Todos los que han pensado como tu hoy estan boca arriba" rough translation? "All who have thought like you are now mouth up." Meaning? (I could really elaborate all day, but) basically it states that all those who thought like Jesus (and it could be any of them, not just Jesus, but in this instance, Jesus is the example for a visionary, innovator, intellectual, pacifist, healer, humanitarian, mysterious soul, brilliant) are now dead. Though it sounds rather plain and harsh, the real meaning is actually so beautiful, it is explaining how all the people (think about it) who have fought for their passionate causes were willing to die for it, and they really did. Then, and only then was their true brilliance exposed. Che Guevara, MLKJ, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Malcolm X, Princess Diana, Jesus, etc and the rest of those obvious.

However there is another type of brilliance that fascinates and confuses me. It is the brilliance of the artist--the troubled, self-destructive artist. Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Janis Joplin, Freddy Mercury, Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway, Edgar Allan Poe, William Shakespeare, Vincent Van Gogh, River Phoenix, Warhol, Tupac and the list goes on and on....
Similar to the other brilliant innovators , these people were of the most influential and visionary artists to ever live. They were always so brilliant with their work, and we always wonder how exactly they even thought up their work. There is something about them though, as if their brilliance had reached its epitome at such a young and fresh age that there was nowhere to go from there. Or maybe it is something more logical, like pressure? Could it be that they put all their effort to their early work and received so much glory from it that there was tremendous pressure to live up to and that subconsciously they were self-destructing in order not to deal with it? Or maybe it goes a bit further than that. The image/persona versus the real life thing. It is so incredibly easy to get lost in the abyss of the gray area. The crisis of identity, strawberry fields versus cheap hotel thrills.
Personally, I believe in choosing sides (and baby, our ego is so big) and these visionaries had to chose between the possibility of giving up or the reality of giving up. And they chose the reality.

RIP Heath Ledger.



blah blah blah...i get it in my head and cannot express it through some keys. This is bigger than life itself. Think about it! And I ask for forgiveness on behalf of the idiot "entertainment and corporate media" that instigates all the wrongdoing of the artist and then tries to spin the story. They are the true criminals, true sinners, true ones at fault. They are the children of evil. I hope they one day realize all the trouble they are causing to the artist, their children and mankind. And, really...not in the shallow way at all, but as one compassionate and emphatic human to another...leave Britney alone. When she truly is dead, I do not want to hear all the fake compassionate memoirs about what a great person she was and how they all wish they could have helped....you can! If not her, think of her children.
And if not of her and the children, think of all the other problems of the world. Focus on something that truly matters, like the high child mortality rate in Sri Lanka, the genocide in Darfur and Kenya, the high poverty rates in Latin and South America, the children of Palestine and Israel, the child prostitutes in the Philippines and all the tragedy that we were put on this earth to help fix. THAT is our ultimate purpose.

judge, judge, go ahead....(we all do)
I still believe in my purpose.
Find yours.

today? "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" the Heath Ledger version.

-melidee

cheese or oral?

...so about a year ago, I went to eat lunch with my roommates and neighbors and one of my neighbors, my friend Tee asked us a question:

"if you could only choose one to have for the rest of your life, which would you choose: oral or cheese?"

...at first I didn't get it...then they were more precise "Oral Sex, you know a guy *ating you *ut!".....

I seriously thought that this question was the most random thing I'd ever heard, but of course I responded "cheese, duh!" For those of you who don't know, I absolutely LOVE cheese...I add it to anything and everything, which can be really difficult being kosher, because then it kind of impedes me from having meat. Sometimes I feel like I've gone veggie because I haven't had meat in forever due to my love for cheese! But I loveeee meat! (hate all you want) Anywho, my friends and I continued the discussion for quite some time because cheese is soooo good, but (apparently, I wouldn't know) oral is amazing...bleh, I guess...whatevskis.

anywhooooo, this weekend was quite nice, but I pretty much refused to cook therefore I starved myself. When I finally gave in to my appetite I cooked organic mac and cheese with alfredo sauce. As I finished cooking it, I got a brilliant idea! 'I'll add all the cheeses we have in the fridge!'(we have 5-6 different kind, mind you.)
BIG mistake...after a few spoonfuls I was sooooo sick to my stomach....I had successfully achieved what I thought was impossible: too much cheese....
I had suffered a cheese overload...

so now that cheese no longer takes over my life, I got to enjoy a Hebrew National kosher hot dog...just what was missing in my life, a nice kosher wiener on a nice toasted bun.

...so after my cheese overload I got to thinking about my friend's question again, cheese or oral?
I don't think it's fair for me to judge though (due to lack in the sexual department)
oral is good, so I've heard...that's good to know!
cheese is good, so I've tasted, but too much is pretty gross!
so I came up with an answer, but I don't know whether or not I can justify it so I guess I'll leave it to the imagination...
but thankfully, this is only a hypothetical non-real life scenario
and in real life we can have all the cheese and oral we want!

I'm not crazy.



what do you think?

today? Marcy Playground "Sex and Candy"

-melidee

.a ship in an empty bottle of wine ...don't you love what is intangible?

what???!!! another post already?

the truth is, I can't sleep & it's only the third day back. I really need to fix my sleeping problem before it gets out of hand. Anywho, as I thought about all the things I needed to do, I began to get more and more excited. I know it sounds weird, but I am happiest when I am stressed and under a deadline. Remember, I'm a deadline baby. However, I began to evaluate all the things that I want to accomplish within school and I wondered if I was doing too much. I came to the conclusion that I only live once, and that I will not waste my potential best years on slugging around my apartment pretending to study and be good. So what if I go out on weekends, AFTER work? I figure that as long as I learned my lesson about alcohol etiquette , I shall be fine. So as I looked at the near future and thought about the exciting classes I am taking I began to feel a void. So suppose I get this new job, suppose I keep my old one too. Suppose I keep to my schedule and do good in my classes and suppose I continue with EC, AGTV and join either the California Aggie or IRSA...and suppose I socialize and network like I never have before, then what? In no way am I demeaning any of these aspects of my life, it's just that I finally got to thinking about love....(uh, even mentioning that words creeps me out). I am beginning to think that the thing that is missing in my life is just someone to share all of my plans and goals with and having someone share theirs with me. I need my incentive.

The problem with these boys I come across in davis is that they are all just under perfect. Well, they are way below the average of perfect. Mind you, I'm not talking about looks. Actually, I am quite particular to unique looking fellows, however they must have their killer personality. I try, though, I really try! Okay, so maybe I don't try as hard as I claim, but that's only because from a distance I can already see these guys aren't for me.
Let me break it down for you:

The Frat Boy- can be subdivided into three categories:

The "White" Frat boy i.e. traditional Greek frat boys, paddles, beer kegs, spiky blond hair, surfer/snowboarder, probably likes Linkin Park or something.. a bro, you could say. I was never particularly into white guys, they are just a little too blah-factor for me. Plus, the whole date rape thing is a real turn off...haha, just a joke..get a sense of humor! No, but really, as I attended these parties, I noticed their particular preference to girls that are the polar opposite of me, and you know what? I really didn't care...there is just nothing there...except maybe a fun night.

Then there is the "Cultural" frat boy, ya know, the one into identifying with their culture whether it be Latino, Asian, Black or Middle Eastern. These guys are hardcore reppin' all the time, they take their Greek shizz seriously, a little too much sometimes...their pride and aggression shows me sign of weakness and insecurity. Why? Well, why does someone need to rep something so badly? They need a sense of belonging. These guys are some of the sweetest you'll ever meet, but I'm not too particular to the hardcore reppin' bit.

Then there is the "business" frat boys, I don't particularly know much about them but I do know that they have their shizz together. They take pride in the fact that they are here for school and for the advancement of their career. Like, duh, so perfect right? That's what I think too! Yeah, but then these guys have their plans for life, they know exactly what they want, including their love interest. I do not see much spontaneity or affection in that relationship. I know what I want in life, but I also know what I do not want....to be someone's fiancé by senior year.


Then there are the boys who are involved in other stuff around campus....they are pretty cool, because I am involved in stuff too, ya know? Well, yeah but these other organizations take over these kid's lives. I guess I'm not one to talk since I am in the same boat, but still..I see no potential there.

Then there's the indie/too cool for anyone/hipster boys......enough said.

Then there is nerdy boys....wait? you are in college and are still categorizing people into a nerdy section??!! What? I never said it was a bad thing, if anything, I think it's great. Nerdy, why? Well, socially awkward, immature, arrogant about his knowledge (and occasionally shout out the wrong answer, hilarious), and sometimes not even nice! I have come to the conclusion that nerdy boys are some of the meanest boys I've ever interacted with. Maybe it's because they are emotionally hurt from past traumatic experiences, but still...if they don't get over that and their STUPID ANIME AND VIDEO GAMES AND GROW UP, they will never progress in the love department.

then there is the average boy....doesn't do much, doesn't dress particularly inclined to anything, doesn't seem dumb or irresponsible but not particularly smart either, isn't involved in anything....he's just kinda....average.

then there are the international students, most of whom are gorgeous and obviously bright and cultured....too bad there is lack of communication.

then, of course, in GRAND tradition of melidee, there are the gays....two kinds: the ones who are fully out and fabulously flamboyant and the ones who have their head peered out of the closet. I usually fall for either, but it's worse when they are not fully out because I see potential.

then there is the lowlife deadbeat who only comes to college parties to drink up the booze and try to get some college ash but is actually just a small towner from around the area...hahahahahahah yeahhhhhhh right, do I even need to elaborate?

then there are the ghetto boys. There is something kinda interesting about them and their style. I am intrigued by the way that their hometown (usually the bay) influences them in such a strong way...and they are usually gorgeous...but once you hear them say, "that's hella tight..wat it do? holla atcha boi, yaddaamean?" oh dear...that's fun sometimes, but when I realize that's the way they speak, I freak out.

then my two personal favorites: The Arab boys and the Jewish boys...both originating from my favorite culture, they are just so fascinating. They usually hang around with other people of their culture and are also big in reppin' their culture, although slightly less obnoxious than the cutural frat boy. The problem with them? nothing...except for the fact that they usually want to marry within their race/religion . I swear I keep kosher and am 1/4 Middle Eastern!

then there are my amazing brilliant professors....who are all married
and my amazing brilliant T.A.s.....who are working on their dissertation.

so, obviously there just are no boys in davis for me.

or maybe it is I who has the problem?
I just want a fun, brilliant, spontaneous, organized, chill, cultured, ethnic but American-adapted, trilingual, semi-stylish, tasteful musician/social scientist grad student boyfriend! Is that so much to ask for?

We are told to be unconventional…..but what happens when the unconventionality becomes conventional?


p.s. any thoughts about New Hampshire primary?? who didn't see THAT coming?
I called Hilary's victory last week. They gotta keep it drama-infested so people keep interested, duh. Right now no one is looking good...I need to move out of the U.S.

Bright Eyes "Ship in a Bottle", obviously.

-melidee

strawberry fields & tangerines trees: education, politics, and life.

quickie

...so it's the second day of school and everything seems to be going pretty well.
Besides the fact that it's raining, school had been really good..I like my classes: Arabic 2 ; Economics 1A-Microeconomics; Communication 141-Media Effects; History 10C-20th Century World History. I especially like my history class....I would like to minor in it now...I know I always say things like that...I wish I could stay in school and major in everything I am interested in.

I have an interview with UNITRANS tomorrow. I really hope I get it, I need it.

I went to the gym with my roommate yesterday and I've been eating good. I rearrangedmy room so it would look better and I would get better vibrations, it seems to be working. I am OCD organized this quarter, I have many things to do. The rain is slowing me down, which really sucks, but I'll make the most of it. I need to get this new job, keep my old one, stay on schedule with school work, socialize more, get involved with EC and AGTV more, join either IRSA, the Roosevelt Institution, or STAND, get good sleep, continue eating and exercising and, of course, make sure to go to Chile...

I can't stop eating tangerines...

hey guess what? It's New Hampshire Primary todayyyy!!!!
;)

I feel stoned; I think I'm going to take a nap....
"Strawberry Fields Forever"

-melidee

...the politics of finance

....so I JUST got my super big check, the one that is supposed to make me survive for the next three months and guess what??? I just spent it all in less than an hour.
Now, for those of you assuming that I just added tons of nice stuff to my wardrobe, oh dears, I wish it were so....

I just finished paying off my stupid credit card....remember kiddies, credit cards are NOT money...they are short term loans. I refuse to be another bad-credit fool. I let some people take advantage of my good-credit status and now I am stuck paying the bill...think $800 dollar status....nice, huh? I must admit though, I did use my credit card for(according to some)some not-so-necessary purchases: two pairs of amazing J brand jeans, food, bills, etc etc. The good thing is that my $1,200 balance is paid off!

I am responsible...and what did I do with the rest of the money? Well, lets see....I had my rent due $520, my pending cell phone bill $290.00 <---most of which my father owes me because I got my brother and sister phones, I had to buy my textbooks for school and I knew that I needed to buy the on Amazon because if I bought them at school they were going to cost me a fortune. I got pretty okay deals, BUT the only problem is that they will take FOREVER to get here and I really do not want to fall behind in school so I am hoping to meet some nice classmates that will allow me to photocopy their books in the meanwhile. I still need to buy one more book, and I am hoping that it is under $50, but that's just a dream. After I bought my books I remembered that I have yet to pay anything for my glasses (the ones I should be wearing right now) so I went to give a $100.00 payment on that, so now I have a $430.000 balance. So basically I am left with about $150.00, and that is supposed to make me survive the next three months. Thank God for my job, that'll at least pay my bills and food. I just remembered that I have a pending mail-in-rebate and that should help me with my books, bills, and food for a while. Rentwise, I have no idea what I am going to do. I mean, I always have the option of my newly paid-off credit card, but I would like that to be my last resort. I have an interview for a job on-campus and I figure that if I get it (inshallah) and I keep my babysitting job and I balance my budget really well, I can make it without the help of my credit card. If it comes down to it I could always ask my parents, but I am sick of asking them to take care of my life. I want to be independent from them in every aspect possible. I know this breaks their hearts because that is pretty much the only way they keep me. I mean, I love my parents, but I do not like depending on them at all.

So as of now, the only bills that are bugging me are rent, my glasses, and my deposit to Chile this summer. I am going to go no matter what, but I really do not want to ask my parents for the money. I also really wanted to go study abroad in London this summer. My favorite professor at UCD, Siverson, is offering two upper division political science courses over the summer and they would not interfere with Chile at all! The problem? I would probably need 6,000-7,000 extra dollars....anyone want to spare?

I know I shouldn't be like this, but I am so jealous of kids whose parents are fortunate enough to give them trips to Europe after high school or trips to Cabo for spring break. I'm jealous of kids who have their parents pay for their school and rent and if they do work, it's for extra leisure money, you know for new Uggs, a new Chanel purse, for fun lunches with the friends or for a new car. I don't hate these people, I'm sure their parents worked hard to give their kids that lifestyle and that is so admirable, but sometimes I wish I could catch a break. I wish I could go to school and just focus on that and having fun. I should not complain though, I have it pretty good. I have nice clothes, a great apartment, some leisure money, a great job, great parents, good finances, and a perfect health. I think that though I am currently broke, I am a good financial administrator. I think that I will get everything done, just because that is the type of person I am, the type of person I was brought up to be. I think that with all these financial responsibilities I am becoming a better and stronger person. I appreciate things more. One day I will have that cute Marc Jacobs handbag that I showed my mom at Nordstrom the other day, and you know what? No one will have bought it for me, I will have through my own effort.

I am reading this book on Abraham and how he founded the three monotheistic religions and I am just so fascinated! I think that I would like to minor in Religious Studies. I am extremely optimistic about the new quarter, and I know I always say that but this time I NEED to do good. I know that it will be difficult but I trust in God and myself. I know that I will prevail.

It sometimes sucks to think that money makes the world go round, but I think that I will get into a bargain-budgeting state. I don't want to alter my life though, I want to be able to go dine out whenever possible. I want to be able to go to the bookstore and indulge in good reads or make more frequent trips to the bay or splurge on some good alcohol, you know? oh silly green paper....



Santiago, Chile

London, England

we are dorks ;)

dope shots I snapped at the rose parade.
Taiwan Activists.

Ron Paul






btw was anyone surprised about the Iowa caucus result?!
....I have grown a strong appreciation for Ron Paul, I mean over 10,000 votes and almost 3 times as much as Giuliani? Pretty dope. New Hampshire on Tuesday!

today it's The Format's "Interventions and Lullabies" album & Bright Eyes "Hit The Switch" and "Cleanse Song"

first post of 2008....
this year promises great things,inshallah!, so stay tuned.

-Melidee