married men & updated love letters...

as-salam aleyku...

it's been a while since I've posted a real blog....lately it's been about coming into my writing again, but today I'll just update on life....

okay so as of now, I am back in Walden, aka Davis and could not be happier.
I have just gotten over a terrible cold, but I have the most amazing apartment-mate who drugged me up took care of me. I feel much better now. Anywho, about my apartment, it is amazing. Two-bedroom huge living room & amazing kitchen, we each have our own sink area...it's just amazing. My room is sooo awesome, totally contemporary chic...I love it. So I've been back at Davizzle for two weeks and I've had an amazing time. Last Saturday was too crazy for words, but I needed one of those night, you know? I had an amazing time...Davis is just a wonderful town. I'm enjoying being here. I love cooking, I have the magic bullet so it's such a blast!

I love my classes, some are kind of boring like Macroeconomics & Communication Theories, but hey I have to take them in order to get my degree, so it's an awesome trade-off. I am also taking a polisci class-comparative politics, extremely relevant to IR so I am happy. My favorite class so far? Arabic!!! It is amazing, my professor is so cute and funny. I have it everyday so it's cool cause I don't forget anything.
I love learning a new language...I'm hoping to learn Hebrew after this....I've sort of decided that I want to focus on the middle east for my IR area of studies. I know I know, I should focus on Latin America cause that is where I am from but I am fascinated by all the middle eastern conflict. We'll see...I am still hoping to go to Israel & Chile this upcoming summer. I need a job to save up money. Actually tomorrow I have an interview for a weekend babysitting job close to home so I am praying that I get it.

anywhooo.....before coming back to davis, I had an interesting summer. I will try not to get into too much detail because there was alot, but needless to say is that I spent so much time at the beach. I came with my cousin daya & my sistah and it was amazing...I love the beach, if I were to ever have kids, I would want them to be beach bums, ya know? Lords of Dogtown statussss....I spent ALOT of time with my family. Practically all of it, which was perfectly fine with me because I love them so much. I did make my way back to the city I love the most, the city where I have left my heart, la ciudad de Los Angeles. I went for like a day and had an amazing time. Stayed at Jess' house & hung out with my fave people, Angel Jess, Cheltzie Lee and Leslie....I caught Seasons play at Mr. Ts once again....I swear, they are just as mind-blowing as last summer. Their sound is in a new direction, but it's still amazing. Got to talk to Jonathan and Adam, but I missed Nik and Erik. It was kind of a crazyyy night, but so worth it. To my surprise Marcelo is not in the band anymore...I'm still not 100% sure as to why, but I got a chopped up version from Jarett, Adam's older bro. Hmm...I'm still looking forward to getting the story straight...
anywho, that night was just great, I got to catch up with my besties & had a final summer closure in Los Angeles. I love my city, no matter how crazy or trashed up reputation she has. I promise her that I will return one day, ready for her & ready to live and die with her.

Summer was also about self discovery. As you have seen on my recent posts I have been getting back into my writing. This is definitely not up to par with what I used to do, but I think it's a good start. I have stopped as of right now, but I am hoping to continue soon. Well this summer I did some growing up. Yeah I know what you are thinking, duh! But really, it was some conscious growing up and self-discovery. For example something as simple as club girl versus bar girl. I'm more of a hole-in-the wall type of girl. I HATE the club scene, it's just kind of tacky to me...I mean I HAD to do it right? It's part of life, but I would much rather go to a local bar and chill with friends....yeah I know..now you are thinking, well melidee, aren't you underage? Yeah I am ;)
believe me I know these things....just like I know that I love older men...older wiser men who know about life and all it has to offer. I just can't stand boys my age. I know, I'm crazy but who isn't a little cooked out in the head? I know this is super cliche and passe but I really do want to live in Williamsburg for a while...my brother and I are going to get a cute apartment there. He's only 9 right now so for sure I'd have to wait at least until he can get into bars so what 12 years?
thats fine...
I know, Williamsburg will totally not be the same then, it'll be the new Manhattan, so I guess we'll move to the newest hip & artsy neighborhood...or maybe we'll stick to HLP, I mean after all, that's exactly what HLP is....a chill Williamsburg. I loved growing up in Highland Park Ave 54 & 56 rep!!! My last month in HLP was so traumatizing due to crucial and mind-altering events. These events have conditioned me to have some sort of hate or rather resentment toward my hometown...the town that watched me walk for the first time, watch me fall repeatedly, the town that watch me go to prom, and the town that watched me get the hell out of there...it is just something that I NEEDED to do. As I have posted here numerous times, I conditioned myself to think that if I stayed in HLP I would fail...though that is not the case for many, it was for me....I am not failing, I am succeeding but I will be back to her. I love HLP....my home. With that said I would like to state here that HLP saw me be born and saw me leave...I am a true Angelino. I just hate how people here claim Los Angeles, and though I ALWAYS promote hipster kids, I have been really irritated with people like Sarah Morrisson [whom I absolutely love] because she talked so much crap about my L.A. when she was here, but when she is anywhere else Oregon & Canada for example, she claims L.A. so much! She swears that everyone wants a little hipster lifestyle & tries to make others look stupid because they don't know what goes on in underground hipster L.A. but yeahhhh right mr & ms cobrasnake pics getting tons of hits & cory kennedy being at every fashion show...these kids I always thought made the scene, but now I realize they are quickly killing it...I mean I don't really care, but I just HATE how they claim L.A. so much, it's like get over it there is much more to L.A. than that aspect of it or the whole Sunset Tan aspect....rrr....whateveskiss...
I'll just start claiming Boston, NY or NJ....wicked awesome ;)

anywhoooo...back to my update...I also got my driving permit which was exciting but I was told that I am practically blind....severe astigmatism on the right eye & acute on the left...I had to get glasses & RX sunglasses...they are like totes whateves....I like em at least, but I am not supposed to take them off at all which is really hard cause sometimes I jut want a plain face ya know?
but hopefully I'll be driving sometime before winter break so I can go chill with the homies in L.A. & catch some good shows. I must admit that Norcal is pretty hip...even davis...it's just such a cute small town, great little restaurants, cute shops, art galleries etc etc. It has everything I could possibly need except the big city life...Now that I've been here a year & I've kinda gotten used to it, I will be taking the train & bus up down to San Fran & Berkeley more often. Sometimes I just need a taste of that big city or hipness..
I am so excited for this year, it has only been two weeks and I am already having a great time so I am expecting much more to come...

continue reading my blog, I promise I won't disappoint anymore!
I just needed you to know where exactly I was in life in order for you to understand my upcoming posts....

oh two more things that will be elaborated later but I just need to share:
1) one of my totes fave cousin...my baby cousin is having a babyy! she is 13 weeks & I am sooo excited because I get to be the godmomma! I can't wait for it because it will be my fave baby! I am gonna spoil the hell out of it...and in a sense it's like it's my baby or at least closest to a baby I will get because I decided this summer that I might not have kids...I LOVE kids and I think I would be a great step-mom or something, but the idea of me having kids scares me because ....okay this is the way i look at it...my mother is the most amazing woman because she gave EVERYTHING up in order for us to have a stay-at-home mom and though at many times I stupidly did not appreciate it, now I think that she is even stronger and more amazing than say, anna wintour? gasp! She gave everything up and I am here in my wonderful apartment in my awesome fairytale college life only because of her and her effort. Now, I am working extremely hard to succeed and to maintain this lifestyle. I will achieve the goals I have proposed myself, foreign correspondent, journalist, fashion editor....If I were to have kids, I do not think it would be fair that my mother was willing to give everything up, but I am not. I could not give up my career and all my hard work for some kids...I know that is harsh and that is exactly what i fear...would I be a terrible mom? I think I would not be the best, so I do not feel adequate enough to bring someone into this world when I am not willing to do everything they deserve for them. just a thought....

but back to my point, I am super excited for my babyyyy nephew (or niece i guess:/)that my cousin is going to have....
hmmm...maybe I'll marry or get into a relationship with someone who has already been married and has kids....ehh, my parents WOULD DIE! hah....but it seems like the wisest thing for me, if I ever decide to get married because that is something else I've been thinking about....will I really ever be able to give away half of my being to someone? Would I be okay with someone having authority of my decisions?? I don't think I could be, but we'll see.

2)my second news is that I am infatuated. With whom I cannot reveal...I cannot reveal anything...maybe if something progresses I will, but as of now it shall remain anonymous.

I am in love with Rilo Kiley's "Does He Love You?" That whole CD is one of my favorite cds ever, I've been listening to it non stop since it came out and I never get sick of it, but lately, I've been feeling so mesmerized by "DHLY?"...I think I am the girl who the married man sends letters to twice a week meaning that i am the girl he would never leave his wife for...

yeah i just said that...

random random random
next blog I shall discuss NY Fashion week...i know, it was forever ago, but I'm trying to keep up :]
anywhooooo...stay tuned



pics from L.A. Metrolink, Olvera st, Pasadena, & Mr Ts Bowl<3























metrolink--los angeles<3



19 years olds in a 21 year old state of being...

seasons babyyy









ezeee





my favess: angel & cheltzie lee



























first saturdayyy in davizzlee rawr!

food we made...yummers...pic cred: kris I.


we make funny youtube videos, coming soon...

baby girl's tummy....eek can't wait!



cousin outings<3



recommendation for todayyy: Jupiter Rising "Electropop" rawr!

Ma'as salaama, & ana behibak!

-melidee

"the blame game..."

she took one good look at the cover of People magazine with Lindsay Lohan on the cover

...and she went about saying:

"...this pathetic little girl, I believe you have met her; in high school or something? Yeah, sometime in your adolescence. However, with all the Lohans and Britneys, I have a feeling that she has stretched her presence. She creates the illusion of power, and all of us fools fall into her claws. She is deceiving and picaresque, she is selfish and loathing. She is one of the most brilliant deceivers to those she encounters. Most everyone is deceived, and the few who are not-well, then they seem to be filled with wickedness and jealously. You see, from the outside, this girl seems to be it-I mean IT. She is beautiful, sometimes TOO beautiful. You find yourself asking how someone who is so visibly in front of you can be so beautiful. This causes awe, her life is a mystery. She seems to have it all, people at her feet, looks, the best clothes, the hottest accessories, the latest gizmo's, men throwing themselves at her--and you ask yourself, is this for real? Really, can there really be someone so fortunate? What always tipped it over the edge for me were two things--if he was genuinely nice & if she was intelligent. These two idiosyncrasies added to her already abundant resume made me lose it. Why? Simply because these two were mine, they have always been mine. Even when I was not the most known or the best dressed, i was always the most intelligent or the nicest of the bunch. And frankly, how can you hate someone that is nice or intelligent? You cannot--okay, maybe you can, but your conscience gets to you. So this girl, I have come across her many times, for she had always been in my life, whether it be in school, at home, at work, on the cover of my favorite magazine--she was always there, and I was intrigued by her. Not that that was a big surprise, for that was what made her, her. She needed to captivate people with her enigmatic stare. I was interested her in a different way though. I was interested in her dark secrets, her flaws, the very things that she seemed to lack. Call it my journalistic intuition, but I was never satisfied with what little she gave us, as we gave her so much. We put her on a pedestal, we made her our idol, but she never gave us more than a blank stare and hope under false pretenses. To a woman, she gave hope that she would be our best friend, that she would give us fashion and beauty advice-and even perilous, she gave us the hope that we could one day be her. To men, she gave that ultimate sexual fantasy. She allowed men who would otherwise have no chance with any girl to get close to her. She would make them into her best friends, and to some 'fortunate one' she would allow to be what people refer to as a boyfriend. She had all types of men following her around--she dated the occasional nice one, but they always seemed too available. She needed someone dangerous, the epitome of a lowlife--she needed a bad boy. She dated the bad boy who treats her like dirt, because he had found the secret to her vulnerability is mistreating her. She allows him to do so with such peace, but she always keeps around her nice guy so he may pick up the pieces.

This bad boy, he is her poison, the one who slowly deteriorates her very being. This is where my intrigue becomes escalated, for she is practically the most perfect being in your school or your work or your family, why does she allow this to happen to her?
Is it because there is a cycle of 'perfect women' and once they have reached the very top, they must room for the next set? Or rather, is it because there really is no such thing as perfection and with all her amazing attributes, her flaws are bound to show up somewhere? Perhaps it is both, or perhaps it is neither. Perhaps the flaws are there, and they are quite visible but rather we choose not to see them because we NEED this girl, we need to look up to her. Without her, women would not aspire to be more beautiful, more innovative, more successful, more self-valued and men would not be intrigued, nice, or--well, I am not a man, so I cannot fully depict what she does to them, but she sure has an impact.

as I mentioned earlier, the type of person that is not deceived by her presumed perfection are automatically tagged as jealous or wicked. I was that girl. That is to say, I was never actually told by anyone in particular that I was jealous of the current perfect girl, but through societal agenda, my very own mind betrayed me. It made me think that when I wondered if the girl had flaws, I was actually jealous of her fortune. I can now say that it was never the case. I do tend to get jealous from time to time. Never has it been about a boyfriend. It has always been about life. I would curse at fate and life for giving others better fortune. In that sense, I guess that could include the perfect girl. However, I always wondered why. Why, was she so fortunate to have such beauty? Even furthermore, was she happy with her beauty? Did she work hard to maintain it? Did it bother her that guys were always throwing themselves at her and girls were trying to be her? Where was her limit? What would break her down? I was not trying to be mean, but I just wanted to make her as human as possible. Maybe for the very same reason as all the others were putting her on a pedestal--because I wanted to believe that I could be her too.

So I befriended her--I have always been the girl who you can trust with your secrets. I truly listen and I give advice. For some reason I think our world lacks these qualities in a person, because I seem to attract many people due to it. That, however, is a dangerous thing, because once person feels comfortable and they start talking, there is no stopping them. Loose lips sink ships they say.

I also watched carefully, I watched patterns, I stalked myspace pages, I listened to what other people had to say, but most importantly I observed. I watched what bothered them the most, what hurt them the most, what gave them most joy, and what they cared nothing about. By doing so, I have found many patterns and conclusions. Conclusions as to why she needs to be attached to the bad boy, why she assumes hersef better than others, why she breaks rules, why she plays with hearts, and all in all I have come to one simple conclusion:

This girl is nothing but a pathetic little thing.

She is such an insecure head case that she puts her life into searching other people's approval--or rather other people's worship. The funny thing is that she is the master at making it seem so effortless so the rest of us can feel impotent. She loves to lure boys because of lack of attention or downright absence of her father. She loves her lackeys because her mother never told her that she was beautiful, she loves her head to toe designer look because sometime in her life, she was rejected by some higher click. This is her revenge--only it is a revenge against her own illusion. You see, she has created this illusion where she is the victim into all these things because of her experiences. But remember, she is human. What is a humans favorite thing to do? Blame others. You see, her mind has allowed her to blame others for simple things that she always had control over. She likes to blame her mother for ruining her life, but she never thinks about the times she made her mother suffer. The way her mother was only looking out for her best interest, the way she yelled back at her mother, the times she made her mother worry, the times her mother cooked and washed for her, the times she took care of her, the times she gave up everything for her.

this girl is just the master of the blame game...
she is Penny Lame, Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan.
She is cocaine, alcohol and bulimia.
She is a heart breaker, a lover and backstabber..
She is a poser, a loser and a fake....

but most of all she just wants your approval,
because she is pathetic...

and i for one, am through with the sympathy
am I a bitch?
maybe...but only because I have dealt with her for too long,
only because she has so much good in her, she is so intelligent, she has all the skills to succeed, but what does she do with them?
she throws them away for cheap thrills in cheap hotel rooms
for a less-than-perfect boy or for judging people
she throws it away for absolutely nothing

and I don't know about you, but that is my definition of
the absolutely pathetic little girl."


-melidee