"I believe, with Hegel, that transcendence is absorption" *

 Rookie mistake: wearing these shoes during the 12+ hr hike up Bosque El Impossible while in El Salvador.

Oh, dear. February is almost over and I did not blog. I really need to make time to write up some of the silly thoughts zooming back and forth in my cabezita. I have lots to say but I'm sleepy and have to wake up early for a morning jog, lesson planning and adding the final touches to my room remodeling (6+ months and it's finally feeling a bit like a room of my own). The biggest thought plaguing my mind right now is this insatiable desire to go hiking this weekend; the snowy mountains a few miles away from my house are looking breathtaking. It seems that most of the friends I have left are too busy to deal with little ole' me and my 'weird' thoughts. My parents and brother all have lives of their own so I think I might have to quench my arduous appetite for trekking the monstrous, though embracing, landforms all on my own. Actually, nothing sounds better than some good quality time with madre nature; I have so much thinking/evaluating to do. Perhaps, my iPod and Infinite Jest* shall suffice as my trusty companions; good music, great literature and peace of mind knowing that no one will impose their wants and needs on my hiking trip.  Yeah, that sounds like the perfect plan and it shall be done. [Confession: I still really wish I had somebody to accompany me this weekend; I miss conversation. I want the option of discussing Hegelianism with someone. I miss you, SM].

 

"No Basta" Franco DeVita

All my best,

-melidee

* in D. F. Wallace 's Infinite Jest.

Donde pongo lo hallado? - S. Rodriguez

I suppose I should begin writing again - this is a good warm up.

The interviews I mentioned last time, they both went. One well and I got offered a job and the other, not so much - however, I did not feel bad because it was a low-paying job that did not even require a high school diploma so eh, I just thought I could have fun for once, but it didn't happen and I'm glad for it. However, I did not take the other job either because that same day, I had a quick impromptu phone interview for a way more prestigious (I make or may not be using sarcasm) position - one whose job description actually requires a Bachelors Degree. Anyway, I interviewed and was offered the position immediately. I work part time and have a flexible schedule, but the best part is that I get paid relatively well. Frankly, in this economy I can safely say that I get paid really well - especially for the amount of work I actually put in. So basically I work less than what's considered 'part time' and get paid about the same as someone working full time at an admin position or retail position (which is what most of my classmates are doing). Anyway, it's not my ideal job, but I'm putting my noggin to good use and tutoring/teaching elementary school kids. I am incredibly grateful for my job. I'm also going back to school. After the traumatizing post-graduate experience, my life turned upside down. It's too long (and boring) of a story so I'll skip to the end: I'm studying to become a registered nurse. This is the tangibility I've been seeking. This way, I will be part of an extremely needed (and scarce) pool and I can actually, tangibly help, be it in the 'first' or 'third' world. I feel good about my decision.


Besides working, I help my cousins (one who's in college and the other a senior in high school) with school work all the time. I help with various subjects: AP Statistics, chemistry, college English, history, psychology, and even college applications. It's been really nice helping out. Although I don't miss college yet, I do miss learning - I discovered a love and fascination for math and science that I never knew I had. I love when my cousin texts me that she needs help with chemistry homework or her take home statistics exams because I quickly delve into relearning all the lessons in order to teach her. Her grades have greatly improve and I feel so happy I could help. Mostly, though, I get this tingly feeling inside, know that I slightly remember learning all this, but since then, it was for a grade (and to get to college) the material was overshadowed by the obsessive idea that it was all just a tedious stepping stone to bigger and better things (ha!). I, now, love going to Barnes and Noble during my work breaks and reading the AP Chemistry and Statistics books for fun. I'm extremely excited about taking biology classes for the RN program (although I can't seem to get into these pesky community college classes, they're all full. Here's to crashing classes for the first time!). What I mean to say is, contrary to whatever my last (ranting, depressing) post says, I love learning.

I've been studying for the GREs as well, though not as much. I will do so in time and will apply to a Masters program that I feel good about.

Other than that, my days are filled with family, Mexican & Salvadoran horchata and lots and lots of television. I truly love the idiot box - I allow this, mostly, because I actually believe that I'm not an idiot so it's okay. I probably am, though. Breaking Bad, Californication, Big Love, The Amazing Race, Two and a Half Men, India (along with the obvious Gossip Girl, 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny, The Soup, Real Housewives, etc etc). Anyway, basically I consume copious amounts of television, it's almost therapeutic, the numbing, and I'm okay with it. I read, too. I still love literature (again, contrary to what other posts may say).

You know what I miss? Pompous professors. Kyle, Theobald and my final English professor (whose name slips my mind currently) are seriously missed right about now.

Oh, I also spend my afternoons fighting housewives for good parking spots when I pick up my little brother from middle school; I actually kind of hate housewives-they're vicious when it comes to parking. Kind of reminds me of the old Asian ladies who push through anyone in order to get onto the BART and Muni first. My sister refers to them as 'her competition'. Ah, it's noticing the little things in life that really make it just a little bit more special. Do I sound like I just got out of rehab? I sort of just did, in a sense; I'm trying to fight the depressive and manic thoughts that ednos brings. The mind-consuming, obsessive, addicting thoughts are still here, I'm just dealing and living.

I'm trying to remember why winter was my favorite season for so long - I love and miss summer so much. The desert makes it all that more depressing. I've learned to love living here though. If anything, driving through the vastness of Joshua Trees while Voxtrot or Girl Talk play on those sporadic sunny days - makes me appreciate this life more and more.

Once in a while I really really really miss Santiago de Chile. The picture accompanying this post is just one of the funny, ridiculous memories my roommate Lidia (the most amazing Russian girl I've ever had the pleasure of living with) and I shared on a cold July Santiago night. Our room lacked the proper tools to open a cheap bottle of Chilean wine but it was almost 12am, time to leave for the bars, and we did not want to spend a million bucks to get shwasted so we looked for any resource possible to open that damned bottle - a make-up (we thought) would do the trick. Poor cleaning ladies the next morning who had to deal with wine splattered all over our bathroom (The counter, the toilet, the walls, the ceiling). Our frugality lead to us downing the entire bottle with the cork floating about the bottle and the make-up brush still stuck inside. I don't share this story because it's wild or insane (because I have plenty of those, too, but why) but because it's one of my favorite stupid, fun, cute memories with my old roommate who is currently off in Geneva, getting her Masters. I'm so incredibly proud and inspired.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that. Off to get exactly one hour of sleep before I have to be off to meet my best friend. We're going to a taping of Let's Make a Deal! And yes, we're dressing up: he's a flying pig and I'm a koala. Oh, to live in Los Angeles. Pictures forthcoming.


PS, just to get this off my chest, Blogger. I've sort of been cheating on you with Tumblr for the past month. No worries, though, I mostly reblog pop culture things - totally different, sort of.



-melidee

الأسبوع الأخير

Favorite bar stamp: Potato @ Little Prague.

Quick post: I'm officially on my last week of living in Davis. Lately I've been thinking about this bubble very much because the prompt for my final Adv Comp paper is to write an introspective paper about my most educational experience while living here. To say that I'm going to miss this place would be the understatement of the year. I've done more growing up and soul searching here than I have my entire life. I mean, 18 to 22 is a pretty formative period so it's expected; university is a crazy experiment, no? Anyway, this four year long summer camp is almost over. Too bad I'm too stressed out to actually enjoy all my favorite things in dtown. Alas, Friday at 4pm I'll be finished with work and class so I'm thinking happy hour followed by dinner and one final bar crawl. I need some good old fashioned college fun. So the twenty-four million dollar question: the thing I'm going to miss the most? Everything.

♥

Simon and Garfunkel "America"

-melidee

"Bildungsroman"

Today is a "Berlin, Without Return" and "Steven" kind of day. I am extremely homesick, only I have no idea what "home" means. Although this blog is for me to express what I am feeling, I am not interested in sharing intimate details of my life. However, you must trust me when I say that I have no "home". And though I've never known this "home" concept that most people seem to have made for themselves, I've at least known that wherever my family-my mother, father, sister and brother-is, that is home. Lately, however, I've begun to question this interpretation--not because I have suddenly stopped holding my family in such high regards, quite the opposite actually, but because I do not want to make them suffer. I am an extremely miserable and awkward person. I hate having my family worry about me; this 'moving back home' post college thing feels like a recipe for disaster because my parents will be everyday witnesses to my misery. I fear pushing them away as a defense mechanism, which is the complete opposite of what I want. Some people say that what I'm actually doing is crying for help, but I sit and think, "help with what exactly?" I mean, really, every one of my heroes has gone, is going through or will go through exactly what I am going through. In Emersonian thought, I believe that this is the necessary misery as a precursor to the non-conformism I will struggle with my entire life. I just don't understand why no one else cares! Why do people only care for their own well being? I mean, I suppose that according to Adam Smith, this is exactly what we are supposed to do in order to have a maximized efficient society, however, all it seems to bring is a dystopian numbness that, either, everyone sees and chooses to ignore, or everyone really is that oblivious to. I feel really stupid so can some please explain to me why I should care for the following things (and teach me how to care for them while we're at it)? Vegas, clubbing, drinking (hammered and pretentious drinking, good old fashion I get), conspicuous consumption: cars, phones, cheap tacky clothes passed off as "fashion", Disneyland, office jobs/corporate world, stepping on others to get to the top, Lady Gaga, love proverbs, being 'cool', trying to prove to others that you don't care when all that effort really just shows how much you do (we ALL do), being not so originally "original", putting others down, telling other people's secrets, acting like a grown-up. Shit, I know I'm guilty of some of these things, namely trying to be "original" and gossiping and it makes me sick to my stomach because I am disgusted with myself. I just don't understand it and it kills me because after all this schooling, I hate when I don't understand stuff. As an almost official social scientist who has studying the intricacies of this unjust world for the past 4 years, I realized this weekend that what's missing in my life is a good dose of literature and philosophy. I was rereading Hesse's Peter Camenzind and Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling this weekend and was filled with a type of nostalgia that can only be brought on by something you've never lived, only read about. Then as I was catching up on The Economist, I came across an article on a Picasso exhibit and the painting they used for the article was a portrait of Gertrude Stein so then I started thinking about Matisse, Picasso, Hemingway, and of course, Virginia Woolf. Of course, this is a minuscule listing of all the great masters and I began realizing how much wonderful literature and art there is out there waiting to be discovered. I used to read so much in high school, mostly due to the AP English courses I took, and, God, I loved all the meticulous works of art that drove me absolutely insane with ideas. I've decided that I must learn German well enough to read my favorite literature in original German texts. Maybe I'll have my roommate teach me, she speaks alemán.  Maybe I'll find a good school out in Berlin, or maybe I'll make my fantasy of a Prague Spring come true. One day it will happen, I know. First, I need to be somewhere in Latin America or the Middle East. I fear, though, that this is all talk. What if I end up living with my parents, working a financially comfortable and incredibly miserable office job? What if I end up pushing everyone out of my life? What if, for fear of this life, I end up settling for a family and a stable life? I fear I would end up dying extremely young. Do you ever feel that way? I hate it but I do, all too often. Anyway, the point of this sloppy rant is to say that all I can do at this point is to delve myself in bildungsroman (bildungsromen as plural? I kid!), art and music of the brilliant people I am so lucky to 'know'. I can only hope that their lifelong work contains the secrets to keep me going. Maybe they'll show me the path "home". Or maybe they'll let me know what I already know, that home is in me. Mind over matter. Maybe the piano lessons I'll be taking over the summer will offer me another form of relief & release (finally, it's been a childhood dream!). I feel, though, that my family will end up being the "icy heights that contain all reason". I'll soon realize this, however, I'm still in the medial chapters of this bildungsroman that is my life. Ramesh, I know the feeling conveyed in "Steven" all too well and although it seems that people end up settling back into the expected life, I have never been able to resettle. Coming back from Chile was extremely difficult; so was El Salvador. I've never fully been able to let go of that addicting romanticized fantasy of leaving this place for good. I think you haven't as well. At least, that's what I get from "Berlin, Without Return"; How do you deal with staying connected with your family? I fear cutting them off for the sake of my silly fantasy. Although, I guess in the age of Skype, it should be less of a problem. I don't know, it just feels odd. I don't want to miss Steven, I want to be with him. Tell me, is the beauty of it in actually having to leave him? Is the nostalgia the point of it all? Oh and "Warmest Part of the Winter" has been my ridiculously morbid comfort lately and, as ridiculously beautiful as the song is, I am scared. I should really just get through this last quarter of college, I am such an idiot sometimes.

All the stuff mentioned above.

-melidee