.Ojalá

.....okay, so the gist of it is that I am too scared to write.
this blog has become a joke, with some tiny thoughts that are particularly revealing only some of the time and that is not enough

I need to respect these keys that I press to form these imprudent pieces I dare call my writing.

I mean, really, I used to be good! No,I used to be great and I knew it, now I kind of just lost it. See? that there was just stupid, i mean, who just loses something like that? It still has to be there or it was just never there at all, right? I think that I have just not kept in touch with it. You know, it's kind of like high school and I, we are trying but we have just not kept in touch. I need to rekindle that intimacy (writing, not high school). Sometimes I get jealous of those people who have continued writing, I feel left behind. That's so incredibly idiotic and selfish though, because they continued to feed their talent, they take the time and effort to develop their passion. It has to be more than just innate. I mean innateness is part of the equation, of course, but there needs to be time development practice...success, failure, etc. It's that balance! I like reading this girl from school's pieces, Jayne. I mentioned to her that I used to write and she is always so encouraging, just judging by these blog entries. She encourages me to write and submit to her lit mag. She encourages me to apply to the school newspaper. And I mean, I should, right? I really should. I really really should. I really need to stop this shit about not being able to write, but I want to deliver, I want to be able to live up to what I consider my biggest passion. Poetic License, sir. I'm feeling better about many things, though. I'm staying optimistic. I abhor the holidays. I, of course, got nothing. All I really wanted was:

.a thesaurus
.a nice juicy black pen
.an English-Hebrew dictionary
.a piano
.moccasin booties
.a nice haircut
.a good spot to write

....and a muse.

(necesito un unicornio azul.)

Silvio Rodriguez "Ojalá"

Ojalá que las hojas no te toquen el cuerpo cuando caigan
para que no las puedas convertir en cristal.
Ojalá que la lluvia deje de ser milagro que baja por tu cuerpo.
Ojalá que la luna pueda salir sin ti.
Ojalá que la tierra no te bese los pasos.

Ojalá se te acabe la mirada constante,
la palabra precisa, la sonrisa perfecta.
Ojalá pase algo que te borre de pronto:
una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve.
Ojalá por lo menos que me lleve la muerte,
para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre
en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones:
ojalá que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones

Ojalá que la aurora no de gritos que caigan en mi espalda.
Ojalá que tu nombre se le olvide a esa voz.
Ojalá las paredes no retengan tu ruido de camino cansado.
Ojalá que el deseo se vaya tras de ti,
a tu viejo gobierno de difuntos y flores.

Ojalá se te acabe la mirada constante,
la palabra precisa, la sonrisa perfecta.
Ojalá pase algo que te borre de pronto:
una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve.
Ojalá por lo menos que me lleve la muerte,
para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre
en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones:
ojalá que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones

Ojalá pase algo que te borre de pronto:
una luz cegadora, un disparo de nieve.
Ojalá por lo menos que me lleve la muerte,
para no verte tanto, para no verte siempre
en todos los segundos, en todas las visiones:
ojalá que no pueda tocarte ni en canciones

wow, throwback...heaven was there.


sorry, it's still The Beatles.
-melidee

..nothing is real

gasp....I'm back!
long long hiatus..life has been busy and crazy, I just finished fall quarter of my sophomore year and I am still alive!
my life since the last couple of posts consisted of school 60% of the time, work 30% and leisure 10% but that lived up that leisure time...
I absolutely loved all my classes except macroeconomics. This following statement sums up my feelings toward the subject:

"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible." -Alfred A. Knopf

other than that, life has been pretty amazing. I worked like crazy and got to know my little kiddies. I really am loving babysitting/tutoring for this family.
When I did have a chance to go to a party or two, I made sure to have a great time, you know, kiss a couple of frogs. Mostly though, I was just a homebody. I really enjoyed the time I had to myself.

I really do not want to make this post long and exhausting, so I'll leave it a little vague but I do want to share what has been one of the greatest things that has happened to me, I am finally realizing what it is that I want to do. I have been struggling with what I want to do after college. The best thing I can do is head on over to grad school right after, but being realistic, I feel that I will be too burnt out to work efficiently. Since I have decided that I do not want a family of my own, at least not anytime soon, I figure that I will have time to go to grad school later on in my 20s. So I have explored my other options: move back home and get a good job to save up money, try to get a job in NYC or San Francisco and get a hip apartment to live the independent city life, travel the world, or join the Peace Corps...
Right now I am really leaning toward the Peace Corps, the only thing that is making me a little hesitant is the two-year commitment. It is not at all that I would not want to give up two years, but more like, I am scared of the effect that it will have on me once I move back to the U.S. because I have heard horror stories. My latest option is my favorite, but many people think I am crazy. After college I want to move to Israel.... and you know what? I will do it.....

today: Aesop Rock "Coffee" and anything by The Beatles

-melidee

..gray rape

....READ THIS!!!!

I have super strong opinions and incentives about this topic.
click-->A New Kind of Date Rape

-melidee

.....coffeehouse confessions of a tired college student

...and yes! the camera really DOES add 10 lbs...
:(









...someone save me<3

-melidee

bittersweet oblivion & the nonchalance of it all....

....quickie update...

so basically my life has been school school...I am loving political science...we are learning about the different electoral systems around the world and about voting, polling, theories, etc. JUST AMAZING...Communication Theory is quite great, I love how people devote part of their life to studying and trying to explain the way you & i communicate, why we do so, and in what circumstances. I find it fascinating...I should though, right? After all, it is my major ;) Macroecon is whatevskis & Arabic is beautiful...

so pretty much I go to school, volunteer for Entertainment Council & work. EC brought Lyrics Born and Saul Williams to school last week and all I have to say is that Saul Williams and I shall wed & that Lyrics Born the manager was such a picky jerk. I hate celebrities who have ridiculous riders with the really random and most specific things! But anywho, I love EC, been hanging out with the peeps alot.

and now work! okay so basically I got a job, I know right?! so exciting. I am a babysitter for an amazing family which is totally awesome, I love them, I love it. It is kind of funny because I was just writing on my last post that I did not want to have kids cause I can't stand them sometimes, but I get a job as a babysitter, haha..but I'm actually quite good at it so I'm happy.

so basically since all I've been doing is school, I decided to treat myself to a fun Halloween weekend...I dressed up like a Grecian goddess. Our awesome friend/EC boss threw an amazing house party friday & we went..we got there at almost midnight, duh, fashionably late! The party was super full and they were not letting anyone in but duh we know the host so we were let in without hesitation...It's an elitist thing, biatch! haha, but the party was RIDICULOUSLY crowded. I saw sooo many people from freshman year including ms party girls themselves C.Dolan & B.Corrales...they are so cute...I can't believe that they were the girls I met at summer advising...trippyyy

anywho, so the party got way too full and the cops came, and our friend/the host started saying that the party was over, but we had just gotten there! He then goes over to us and tells us to go into the room and chill there because they are just trying to kick people out and then the party would resume...so after about 30mins of waiting and chillin' with awesome dj nhat & other cool guys the party finally started again. Ohemgee...our buddy Luke was sooooooooo shawasted, he was so freakin' cute all topplin' over, kissing us, and bush peeing. So we partied pretty cool, met a guy who was kinda lame but hey, what more do you expect to find at a party? anywho, we had an interesting time ;)

then finally around 3am, (maybe?)finally got home...and we were hungryyy so we made pasta under our conditions...sooo funny!

woke up today, surprisingly well...cleaned the place a bit & kris made french bread from scratch! Then got a surprise call from Sarah, my very first friend in Davis<3...so she came over, we caught up & went to dinner...then she convinced me to go to a party on Russell Blvd...aka frat row aka freshman central. I promised I would never do that again...but we did...went to one on Anderson which was soooooo lame....it was hard enough trying to get in cause we were so late, and once we were (due to awesome hook-ups) it was soo crowded, lame, and just the same typical people...white frat boys & tall pretty girls in slutty outfits...yawn.
I mean it's alright, but I'm so not into that...they are kinda dull...the only way to enjoy one of those, is being completely shawasteddd...and we were not. So just chilled in the less-crowded garage...we were over it and went to another one which was better but still not cool.

I realized that those big parties are strangely reminiscent to the club scene, ya know? Trying to get in, looking all pretentious, finding potential hook-up buddies....sooooo not me. I really like the private chill house parties we have been gracing our presence with lately. The crowd is just so much better, and you actually know the host. You can just chill with friends and it's no pressure, strangely reminiscent to the bar scene, and if you are an avid reader of my blog, you would recall that in my last post I wrote about the differences between the club & bar scene and that I am just a hole-in-the-wall bar scene type girl...so I'll fasho stick to the private smaller scene...elist, bit*h!
or rather, I'll stick to the school scene fasho.

quickie quickie!
great weekend overall...
work tomorrow<3




















post secret ;)


videos!



babysitting<3


lameeeeeee partyyyy


lame partyyyy part deux


...a nice lunch off campus on a beautiful day<3



today I recommend you listen to dance electro booty shakin' music
ana behibak<3

-melidee

p.s the tila tequila show is kinda trashy but such a guilty pleasure & she is so pretty!

married men & updated love letters...

as-salam aleyku...

it's been a while since I've posted a real blog....lately it's been about coming into my writing again, but today I'll just update on life....

okay so as of now, I am back in Walden, aka Davis and could not be happier.
I have just gotten over a terrible cold, but I have the most amazing apartment-mate who drugged me up took care of me. I feel much better now. Anywho, about my apartment, it is amazing. Two-bedroom huge living room & amazing kitchen, we each have our own sink area...it's just amazing. My room is sooo awesome, totally contemporary chic...I love it. So I've been back at Davizzle for two weeks and I've had an amazing time. Last Saturday was too crazy for words, but I needed one of those night, you know? I had an amazing time...Davis is just a wonderful town. I'm enjoying being here. I love cooking, I have the magic bullet so it's such a blast!

I love my classes, some are kind of boring like Macroeconomics & Communication Theories, but hey I have to take them in order to get my degree, so it's an awesome trade-off. I am also taking a polisci class-comparative politics, extremely relevant to IR so I am happy. My favorite class so far? Arabic!!! It is amazing, my professor is so cute and funny. I have it everyday so it's cool cause I don't forget anything.
I love learning a new language...I'm hoping to learn Hebrew after this....I've sort of decided that I want to focus on the middle east for my IR area of studies. I know I know, I should focus on Latin America cause that is where I am from but I am fascinated by all the middle eastern conflict. We'll see...I am still hoping to go to Israel & Chile this upcoming summer. I need a job to save up money. Actually tomorrow I have an interview for a weekend babysitting job close to home so I am praying that I get it.

anywhooo.....before coming back to davis, I had an interesting summer. I will try not to get into too much detail because there was alot, but needless to say is that I spent so much time at the beach. I came with my cousin daya & my sistah and it was amazing...I love the beach, if I were to ever have kids, I would want them to be beach bums, ya know? Lords of Dogtown statussss....I spent ALOT of time with my family. Practically all of it, which was perfectly fine with me because I love them so much. I did make my way back to the city I love the most, the city where I have left my heart, la ciudad de Los Angeles. I went for like a day and had an amazing time. Stayed at Jess' house & hung out with my fave people, Angel Jess, Cheltzie Lee and Leslie....I caught Seasons play at Mr. Ts once again....I swear, they are just as mind-blowing as last summer. Their sound is in a new direction, but it's still amazing. Got to talk to Jonathan and Adam, but I missed Nik and Erik. It was kind of a crazyyy night, but so worth it. To my surprise Marcelo is not in the band anymore...I'm still not 100% sure as to why, but I got a chopped up version from Jarett, Adam's older bro. Hmm...I'm still looking forward to getting the story straight...
anywho, that night was just great, I got to catch up with my besties & had a final summer closure in Los Angeles. I love my city, no matter how crazy or trashed up reputation she has. I promise her that I will return one day, ready for her & ready to live and die with her.

Summer was also about self discovery. As you have seen on my recent posts I have been getting back into my writing. This is definitely not up to par with what I used to do, but I think it's a good start. I have stopped as of right now, but I am hoping to continue soon. Well this summer I did some growing up. Yeah I know what you are thinking, duh! But really, it was some conscious growing up and self-discovery. For example something as simple as club girl versus bar girl. I'm more of a hole-in-the wall type of girl. I HATE the club scene, it's just kind of tacky to me...I mean I HAD to do it right? It's part of life, but I would much rather go to a local bar and chill with friends....yeah I know..now you are thinking, well melidee, aren't you underage? Yeah I am ;)
believe me I know these things....just like I know that I love older men...older wiser men who know about life and all it has to offer. I just can't stand boys my age. I know, I'm crazy but who isn't a little cooked out in the head? I know this is super cliche and passe but I really do want to live in Williamsburg for a while...my brother and I are going to get a cute apartment there. He's only 9 right now so for sure I'd have to wait at least until he can get into bars so what 12 years?
thats fine...
I know, Williamsburg will totally not be the same then, it'll be the new Manhattan, so I guess we'll move to the newest hip & artsy neighborhood...or maybe we'll stick to HLP, I mean after all, that's exactly what HLP is....a chill Williamsburg. I loved growing up in Highland Park Ave 54 & 56 rep!!! My last month in HLP was so traumatizing due to crucial and mind-altering events. These events have conditioned me to have some sort of hate or rather resentment toward my hometown...the town that watched me walk for the first time, watch me fall repeatedly, the town that watch me go to prom, and the town that watched me get the hell out of there...it is just something that I NEEDED to do. As I have posted here numerous times, I conditioned myself to think that if I stayed in HLP I would fail...though that is not the case for many, it was for me....I am not failing, I am succeeding but I will be back to her. I love HLP....my home. With that said I would like to state here that HLP saw me be born and saw me leave...I am a true Angelino. I just hate how people here claim Los Angeles, and though I ALWAYS promote hipster kids, I have been really irritated with people like Sarah Morrisson [whom I absolutely love] because she talked so much crap about my L.A. when she was here, but when she is anywhere else Oregon & Canada for example, she claims L.A. so much! She swears that everyone wants a little hipster lifestyle & tries to make others look stupid because they don't know what goes on in underground hipster L.A. but yeahhhh right mr & ms cobrasnake pics getting tons of hits & cory kennedy being at every fashion show...these kids I always thought made the scene, but now I realize they are quickly killing it...I mean I don't really care, but I just HATE how they claim L.A. so much, it's like get over it there is much more to L.A. than that aspect of it or the whole Sunset Tan aspect....rrr....whateveskiss...
I'll just start claiming Boston, NY or NJ....wicked awesome ;)

anywhoooo...back to my update...I also got my driving permit which was exciting but I was told that I am practically blind....severe astigmatism on the right eye & acute on the left...I had to get glasses & RX sunglasses...they are like totes whateves....I like em at least, but I am not supposed to take them off at all which is really hard cause sometimes I jut want a plain face ya know?
but hopefully I'll be driving sometime before winter break so I can go chill with the homies in L.A. & catch some good shows. I must admit that Norcal is pretty hip...even davis...it's just such a cute small town, great little restaurants, cute shops, art galleries etc etc. It has everything I could possibly need except the big city life...Now that I've been here a year & I've kinda gotten used to it, I will be taking the train & bus up down to San Fran & Berkeley more often. Sometimes I just need a taste of that big city or hipness..
I am so excited for this year, it has only been two weeks and I am already having a great time so I am expecting much more to come...

continue reading my blog, I promise I won't disappoint anymore!
I just needed you to know where exactly I was in life in order for you to understand my upcoming posts....

oh two more things that will be elaborated later but I just need to share:
1) one of my totes fave cousin...my baby cousin is having a babyy! she is 13 weeks & I am sooo excited because I get to be the godmomma! I can't wait for it because it will be my fave baby! I am gonna spoil the hell out of it...and in a sense it's like it's my baby or at least closest to a baby I will get because I decided this summer that I might not have kids...I LOVE kids and I think I would be a great step-mom or something, but the idea of me having kids scares me because ....okay this is the way i look at it...my mother is the most amazing woman because she gave EVERYTHING up in order for us to have a stay-at-home mom and though at many times I stupidly did not appreciate it, now I think that she is even stronger and more amazing than say, anna wintour? gasp! She gave everything up and I am here in my wonderful apartment in my awesome fairytale college life only because of her and her effort. Now, I am working extremely hard to succeed and to maintain this lifestyle. I will achieve the goals I have proposed myself, foreign correspondent, journalist, fashion editor....If I were to have kids, I do not think it would be fair that my mother was willing to give everything up, but I am not. I could not give up my career and all my hard work for some kids...I know that is harsh and that is exactly what i fear...would I be a terrible mom? I think I would not be the best, so I do not feel adequate enough to bring someone into this world when I am not willing to do everything they deserve for them. just a thought....

but back to my point, I am super excited for my babyyyy nephew (or niece i guess:/)that my cousin is going to have....
hmmm...maybe I'll marry or get into a relationship with someone who has already been married and has kids....ehh, my parents WOULD DIE! hah....but it seems like the wisest thing for me, if I ever decide to get married because that is something else I've been thinking about....will I really ever be able to give away half of my being to someone? Would I be okay with someone having authority of my decisions?? I don't think I could be, but we'll see.

2)my second news is that I am infatuated. With whom I cannot reveal...I cannot reveal anything...maybe if something progresses I will, but as of now it shall remain anonymous.

I am in love with Rilo Kiley's "Does He Love You?" That whole CD is one of my favorite cds ever, I've been listening to it non stop since it came out and I never get sick of it, but lately, I've been feeling so mesmerized by "DHLY?"...I think I am the girl who the married man sends letters to twice a week meaning that i am the girl he would never leave his wife for...

yeah i just said that...

random random random
next blog I shall discuss NY Fashion week...i know, it was forever ago, but I'm trying to keep up :]
anywhooooo...stay tuned



pics from L.A. Metrolink, Olvera st, Pasadena, & Mr Ts Bowl<3























metrolink--los angeles<3



19 years olds in a 21 year old state of being...

seasons babyyy









ezeee





my favess: angel & cheltzie lee



























first saturdayyy in davizzlee rawr!

food we made...yummers...pic cred: kris I.


we make funny youtube videos, coming soon...

baby girl's tummy....eek can't wait!



cousin outings<3



recommendation for todayyy: Jupiter Rising "Electropop" rawr!

Ma'as salaama, & ana behibak!

-melidee