Ni el recuerdo los puede salvar, ni el mejor orador conjugar*

The day has arrived! Here's a photo of my best friend and me Skyping hours before graduation day! She goes to UCSC and I go to UCD and we just so happen to be graduating on the same day, at the same time. It sucks because we both wanted to be at each others ceremonies but we figure the mystical universe wants us to have a deeper spiritual connection by experiencing the same life-altering symbolic ritual at the same exact time. There is no way I can even begin to describe what I am feeling right now but it's mostly anger. I attempted to decorate my cap by adding one of my favorite quotes: "You must now live what you've been reading about" (Shams to Rumi) but utterly failed so I had to cover it up with some ridiculously glittery, girly hearts. My cap now represents everything I did not want it to. Alas, it's only a cap...but, really, to me, it's more like an event I've waited for 18 plus years; graduating from college and transcending into that elite 25 percent of the population is the most bittersweet moment; it is something I needed to do in order to validate myself; to whom? I don't even know. It just sucks because you'd think that for an event you have waited for almost two decades for, things would be going a bit better.  You'd think that people so close to you, a family member say, would be more considerate on this most special of days. I have learned to live life with as little expectations as possible. I am not stressed in the least bit, I just want this to be over with. I wish I didn't feel this way, I have waited way too long to be this nonchalant. I remember being a little girl in the back seat of my dad's car, looking out the window, daydreaming of this day that felt like an absolute eternity to come. I have to be up in 2 hours sleep then wake up, to prepare the mimosa I will be drinking before the ceremony and get myself excited. I did write "alhamdulillah" on one side of my cap and that makes me feel a bit better about the entire situation. You were so young, baby, you were so young. In a few hours, my life will change forever (So dramatic, am I not?). Inshaallah, it all goes well; better than my finals were, at least. I'll post pics soon, I have tons of stuff to update on.

Please disregard typos, terrible writing and/or incoherency, it's 4:50am and I'm need to be up at 6:00am.

Seasons "Homesick Atom"

-melidee

All I ever wanted

 

I am not well today. In four days I am getting all I ever wanted. Ironically, all that's preoccupying my mind are superficial things like the fact that, besides getting a degree, the other thing I've always wanted is to be skinny--87 lbs to be exact (that's how much my mommy weighed when she was my age and she never lets me forget it). I suppose it's a defense mechanism. It would not be a superfluous notion to say that I have never in my life felt the degree of uncertainty I do now.  My dreams, those big dreams I've had since I can remember, are all gone. It's such a sad feeling, I'm having so much trouble dealing with this anxiety. Can someone please let me know it's okay that I don't give a fuck about getting a job, making money or having even the slightest bit of success? These are things I've never really wanted and I'm sure that I've made this clear. However, the difference in the current state I find myself in is that the my real dreams--getting a Doctorate's in economic development, going out and saving the world--they're all gone. I have this sordid feeling in my stomach, it's repulsive. The only dreams that have not completely vanished are my dreams of vagabonding; I've saved up enough for a trip but honest to God, right now, a one way ticket Portugal or Jordan feels right. If anyone is doing any traveling after mid August, get at me.  This is so frustrating, I cannot even construct a decently written blog post today. Don't you just hate when stupid shallow people try to sound deep? I promise that as soon as this is over, I will be the better person I am. I do not even recognize myself right now. I really need to complain about things that matter. I really should finish writing this paper and study for the last two finals.

Some Borges to remind me why I love what I do:

"One of the schools in Tlön has reached the point of denying time. It reasons that the present is undefined, that the future has no other reality than as present hope, that past is no more than present memory . . . Another maintains that the universe is comparable to those code systems in which not all the symbols have meaning, and in which only that which happens every three hundredth night is true."

- "Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius"

Dr. Dog "Pretender"

-melidee

And there's still no answer

 Me hugging Donna

Quick study break. As I've tirelessly mentioned in previous posts, this Saturday I will be graduating from UCD. For some reason or another, today I discovered photos of  last year's graduation (my friends/coworkers are a year older so they graduated last June). I cannot believe that 1) I'm just discovering these photos a year later 2) that this Saturday, I will be the one in the cap & gown. Surreal. Anyway, kind of a dumb post but thought these were pretty cool.

Photos courtesy of D.S.'s Facebook (hope she doesn't mind! If she does, please let me know immediately )

 

Donna, Me, Karthika

  

Me, Donna K, Julie

Back to work.
My Morning Jacket "Dondante"

-melidee