All I ever wanted

 

I am not well today. In four days I am getting all I ever wanted. Ironically, all that's preoccupying my mind are superficial things like the fact that, besides getting a degree, the other thing I've always wanted is to be skinny--87 lbs to be exact (that's how much my mommy weighed when she was my age and she never lets me forget it). I suppose it's a defense mechanism. It would not be a superfluous notion to say that I have never in my life felt the degree of uncertainty I do now.  My dreams, those big dreams I've had since I can remember, are all gone. It's such a sad feeling, I'm having so much trouble dealing with this anxiety. Can someone please let me know it's okay that I don't give a fuck about getting a job, making money or having even the slightest bit of success? These are things I've never really wanted and I'm sure that I've made this clear. However, the difference in the current state I find myself in is that the my real dreams--getting a Doctorate's in economic development, going out and saving the world--they're all gone. I have this sordid feeling in my stomach, it's repulsive. The only dreams that have not completely vanished are my dreams of vagabonding; I've saved up enough for a trip but honest to God, right now, a one way ticket Portugal or Jordan feels right. If anyone is doing any traveling after mid August, get at me.  This is so frustrating, I cannot even construct a decently written blog post today. Don't you just hate when stupid shallow people try to sound deep? I promise that as soon as this is over, I will be the better person I am. I do not even recognize myself right now. I really need to complain about things that matter. I really should finish writing this paper and study for the last two finals.

Some Borges to remind me why I love what I do:

"One of the schools in Tlön has reached the point of denying time. It reasons that the present is undefined, that the future has no other reality than as present hope, that past is no more than present memory . . . Another maintains that the universe is comparable to those code systems in which not all the symbols have meaning, and in which only that which happens every three hundredth night is true."

- "Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius"

Dr. Dog "Pretender"

-melidee

Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity *

 "La reproduction interdite" 1937 via

At the risk of sounding cliche, there's nothing like a painting by René Magritte to remind me what life is all about.

I've had the most chaotic week and I want to share it with you all as soon as life settles down which realistically will not be until after June 12 (graduation day) but hopefully I'll have time to blog this Friday in San Francisco. I cannot believe the Voxtrot concert is this Saturday already. Okay, so I really only have to make it to Friday afternoon, then I only have one presentation, one 20-pager, and 4 finals before graduation. Anyway I was writing a couple essays for Arabic and was in the mood for some John Mayer. I found myself listening to "Edge of Desire" on repeat for about 3 hours and decided that the lyrics are worth a brief shallow post. Eh, it's John Mayer. He can be so obnoxious 90% of the time and there are a million more talented artists who don't get half as much credit, but the truth is that I love the dude. I don't know how to explain in what terms necessarily but I feel like the dude and I are one and the same. We have massive God-complexes but are still so ridiculously insecure. We care so much about being validated by others yet we try so hard to make it seem like the complete opposite is true. We hide behind our big words, concepts and abstractness so no one will pinpoint and deface us. That is not to say that we are "shallow", we are just so damn self-righteous and 'losing face' is our equivalent to hell so we create a situation where we're on the defense all the time; we beat before we are beaten. It's a bad habit that gets us in trouble and will be our ultimate downfall.

Oddly enough, most of Mayer's songs are about love (mostly tragic or reverie) which is my least favorite topic/theme in the world. Actually, no, that's not true. I appreciate a good love song or romantic movie-it's just the falsity it creates that bugs me, personally. Or rather, people's unrealistic expectations. Anyway, there's something about the combination of the music -those guitar riffs (he is so passionate in concert)- the lyrics, the voice, and -if only for 3 minutes- the vulnerability it conveys. There's nothing like throwing on Continuum or Battle Studies when you're in the mood. It's exquisite. 

Young and full of running,
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinity.

Love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me.
For all of my trying
we still end up dying,
how can it be?

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running
all the way to the edge of desire.
Steady my breathing, silently screaming
I have to have you now.

Wired and I'm tired,
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor.
Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis
and find me on yours.

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

 via

John Mayer "Edge of Desire"* and "Gravity"

-melidee