And there's still no answer

 Me hugging Donna

Quick study break. As I've tirelessly mentioned in previous posts, this Saturday I will be graduating from UCD. For some reason or another, today I discovered photos of  last year's graduation (my friends/coworkers are a year older so they graduated last June). I cannot believe that 1) I'm just discovering these photos a year later 2) that this Saturday, I will be the one in the cap & gown. Surreal. Anyway, kind of a dumb post but thought these were pretty cool.

Photos courtesy of D.S.'s Facebook (hope she doesn't mind! If she does, please let me know immediately )

 

Donna, Me, Karthika

  

Me, Donna K, Julie

Back to work.
My Morning Jacket "Dondante"

-melidee

I believe in love, I'm married to my work *

via

Studying for finals. brb.

Today I'm listening to a  plethora of good music; usually listening to some F. Chopin is the only thing that keeps me sane during finals but currently I'm listening to Voxtrot "Rise up in the Dirt" *


-melidee

PS Voxtrot show was wonderful, more on that after finals.

Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity *

 "La reproduction interdite" 1937 via

At the risk of sounding cliche, there's nothing like a painting by René Magritte to remind me what life is all about.

I've had the most chaotic week and I want to share it with you all as soon as life settles down which realistically will not be until after June 12 (graduation day) but hopefully I'll have time to blog this Friday in San Francisco. I cannot believe the Voxtrot concert is this Saturday already. Okay, so I really only have to make it to Friday afternoon, then I only have one presentation, one 20-pager, and 4 finals before graduation. Anyway I was writing a couple essays for Arabic and was in the mood for some John Mayer. I found myself listening to "Edge of Desire" on repeat for about 3 hours and decided that the lyrics are worth a brief shallow post. Eh, it's John Mayer. He can be so obnoxious 90% of the time and there are a million more talented artists who don't get half as much credit, but the truth is that I love the dude. I don't know how to explain in what terms necessarily but I feel like the dude and I are one and the same. We have massive God-complexes but are still so ridiculously insecure. We care so much about being validated by others yet we try so hard to make it seem like the complete opposite is true. We hide behind our big words, concepts and abstractness so no one will pinpoint and deface us. That is not to say that we are "shallow", we are just so damn self-righteous and 'losing face' is our equivalent to hell so we create a situation where we're on the defense all the time; we beat before we are beaten. It's a bad habit that gets us in trouble and will be our ultimate downfall.

Oddly enough, most of Mayer's songs are about love (mostly tragic or reverie) which is my least favorite topic/theme in the world. Actually, no, that's not true. I appreciate a good love song or romantic movie-it's just the falsity it creates that bugs me, personally. Or rather, people's unrealistic expectations. Anyway, there's something about the combination of the music -those guitar riffs (he is so passionate in concert)- the lyrics, the voice, and -if only for 3 minutes- the vulnerability it conveys. There's nothing like throwing on Continuum or Battle Studies when you're in the mood. It's exquisite. 

Young and full of running,
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinity.

Love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me.
For all of my trying
we still end up dying,
how can it be?

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running
all the way to the edge of desire.
Steady my breathing, silently screaming
I have to have you now.

Wired and I'm tired,
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor.
Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis
and find me on yours.

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

 via

John Mayer "Edge of Desire"* and "Gravity"

-melidee

Toda época fue pieza de un rompecabeza *

  via

I've always thought that the list below is one of the coolest things ever and my anthropology of economics professor recently brought it up in lecture. We are discussing marriage and offspring as major fitness maximizing economic decisions and the way in which the prestige bias of the successful elite has led to the recent "maladaptive" culture where children are no longer trendy; it is maladaptive because it will eventually lead to the end to our humanity (please, if the number of high school classmates with children is any indication, we'll be fine). Realistically, however, this is a legitimate concern for most of Europe which, of course, leads to tons of economic and migrations issues within itself. Anyway, I love that Charles Darwin actually made a ' Marry/ Not Marry ' pros & cons list. It comes directly from his journal which is why I love it. I am really into intuitive, spontaneous, gut-feeling decisions but when it comes to marriage and children this is exactly the way I think. The only difference is that personally I find the reasons to not marry (or not have children for that matter. Yes, I am maladapative) way more compelling (he obviously did not since he married his cousin). Enjoy!

Marry

Children (if it Please God)

Constant companion (and friend in old age) who will feel interested in one

Object to be beloved and played with. Better than a dog anyhow

Home, & someone to take care of house

Charms of music and female chit-chat

These things good for one’s health—but terrible loss of time

My God, it is intolerable to think of spending one’s whole life, like a neuter bee, working, working, and nothing after all—No, no, won’t do

Imagine living all one’s day solitary in smoky dirty London House

Only picture to yourself a nice soft wife on a sofa with good fire and books and music perhaps

Compare this vision with the dingy reality of Great Marlboro Street, London

Not Marry

Freedom to go where one liked

Choice of Society and little of it

Conversation of clever men at clubs

Not forced to visit relatives and bend in every trifle

Expense and anxiety of children

Perhaps quarrelling

Loss of Time

Cannot read in the evenings

Fatness and idleness

Anxiety and responsibility

Less money for books etc.

If many children forced to gain one’s bread (But then it is very bad for one’s health to work too much)

Perhaps my wife won’t like London; then the sentence is banishment and degradation into indolent, idle fool

PS one week until the Voxtrot show in SF. I'm taking my sister who, I'm pretty sure, has never listened to any of their songs so she'll help me keep my composure. Anyway, this review of the kickoff to the mini-farewell tour made me excited and a bit nervous. I hope the show is not a drag for them. 2 midterms, 1 twenty pager, and tons of Arabic HW stand between me and Voxtrot. Oh and it's my sister's birthday tomorrow. On my siblings birthdays I make a Kiva microloan in their honor. If you've never heard of it, check it out!

Silvio Rodriguez "El Mayor" *

-melidee

Pacha, or Spacetime.

 via

Even when it's being critiqued and corrected, it only makes "sense" (i.e we only get it) because of the constructed spatial legibility, right? Today was one of those  H. Lefebvre days where all I wanted to do was throw myself in the literature. This legibility shit drives me absolutely insane but I especially love the way in which it transcends between the different disciplines that have -of course- been constructed into their, respective, legible schools which only further proves the point (Thank you, M. McLuhan! I miss my communication courses). Anyway, the almost official social scientist and the budding future physicist inside me was all giddy with curiosity about the ways in which I could integrate it all together into a solitary universal body of knowledge that combines everyone's thoughts, theories and terms, you know, the way it should be. It's all so damn fascinating and while my mind was racing a mile-a-minute (probably because of that last latte) thinking about how everything I "know" is restrained by encompassed in that legible spatial dimension discourse, that poem "The Hippopotamus"  by T.S. Eliot came to mind and it seemed rather appropriate. None of it makes sense does it? Yeah, that's kind of the point.

And I tried to piece the puzzle of the universe,
split an eighth of shrooms just so I can see the universe

So it's moving right, I try to shed some light on the man,
not many people of this planet understand

I've got some issues that nobody can see
and all of these emotions are pourin' outta me
I bring them to the light for you
it's only right ♥

Kid Cudi "Soundtrack 2 My Life"

-melidee

You have no respect for cognitive reverie, you know that?*

One of my all time favorites via

La belleza dramática de Bolivia, la mujer que la continúa, las nueces, las uvas, el queso, la inteligencia de Borges, la inocencia de Teresa, la nieve en Suiza, el café en Buenos Aires, por supuesto. 

Eliot, Rilke, los antiguos chinos, Florencia, Atenas, Toledo, la leña ardiendo en el invierno europeo y la carta de mi querida sudamericana. 

Una nueva idea, una vieja amiga, la noruega donde descubro mi verdadera identidad, y el africano que me devuelve mi perdido y antiquísimo sonido, la mujer que ahora mismo descubro. 

Todas las hermosuras del amor, el fuego, el bendito fuego, el sagrado fuego, la paz—que tal vez sea fuego quieto—el pez de donde vengo, la estrella donde voy. 

Alguna copla en Granada, la primavera en París, una aventura en Sevilla, un gran amor en Madrid. Los beduinos y el misterio, Jerusalén y la luz, el desierto, los camellos y la nostalgia del sur, el sur, el sur.

Mi vida, mi vida, el mundo y el color. Mi vida, mi vida, silencio y canción.

Un poema cada día, mi Venecia cada vez, Nazaret y Galilea y las huellas de Moisés. En el Jordán beber vino, en el mar muerto flotar. En Londres abrir los ojos y en Holanda la verdad, y el sol, y el mar.

Mi vida, mi vida, el mundo y el color. Mi vida, mi vida, silencios y canción.

Las muchachas, las palomas, el caribe y el placer, las maravillas de Roma, la ternura de Belén. Teotihuacan, Macchu Picchu, Chagall, la leche y la miel. Los gitanos, la alegría, la libertad y la fe, la fe, la fe.

Mi vida, mi vida, el mundo y el color. Mi vida, mi vida, silencios y canción.

This was actually my lullaby as a baby. Absolute perfection.

F. Cabral "Mi Vida"

-melidee

Deja ya de tejer sueños en tu mente*

I've been engaging in an incredible amount of eye rolling lately. Life seems to lack the verisimilitudinous details that can really only be created by a piece of well written literature or lyrics, even. Of course, I suppose I could be a bit less passive about the entire situation. So what do I do? Oh, you know, take the afternoon off to reread some Kafka. God, could I be any more pretentious? Haha all I can think of is that scene from The Squid and the Whale: "Yeah. I mean, it's gross when he turns into the bug, but I love how matter of fact everything is." "Yeah, it's very Kafkaesque." "Cause it's written by Franz Kafka." "Right. I mean, clearly." I absolutely love that film, I think it perfectly captures the essence of the incredibly flawed human idiosyncrasy known as arrogance and portrays it as the childish behavior it is; I suffer from chronic arrogance, I'm trying to get better at it but people make it really difficult. Besides that, what else? Oh, I accidentally binge ate today then engaged in some damage control, typical bulimic stuff. Am I the only person who thinks artistic license is the absolute most incredible concept ever? It used to drive me nuts in high school, poetic license in particular, because I spent countless nights memorizing different metric, line and rhythmic patterns (I still have nightmares about iambic pentameter) then came along these license holders who screwed everything up.  I actually never recovered my love for poetry, I'd be fine if I never had to read another poem ever again. Well, maaaaaybe some Pablo Neruda in the original Spanish, but I digress. I love witty use of artistic license. Symmetry is beauty, they say. I'm not sure. Happy Monday!
 
"Penélope" Joan Manuel Serrat*

Photo via Fotografie de Moda

-melidee

"Bildungsroman"

Today is a "Berlin, Without Return" and "Steven" kind of day. I am extremely homesick, only I have no idea what "home" means. Although this blog is for me to express what I am feeling, I am not interested in sharing intimate details of my life. However, you must trust me when I say that I have no "home". And though I've never known this "home" concept that most people seem to have made for themselves, I've at least known that wherever my family-my mother, father, sister and brother-is, that is home. Lately, however, I've begun to question this interpretation--not because I have suddenly stopped holding my family in such high regards, quite the opposite actually, but because I do not want to make them suffer. I am an extremely miserable and awkward person. I hate having my family worry about me; this 'moving back home' post college thing feels like a recipe for disaster because my parents will be everyday witnesses to my misery. I fear pushing them away as a defense mechanism, which is the complete opposite of what I want. Some people say that what I'm actually doing is crying for help, but I sit and think, "help with what exactly?" I mean, really, every one of my heroes has gone, is going through or will go through exactly what I am going through. In Emersonian thought, I believe that this is the necessary misery as a precursor to the non-conformism I will struggle with my entire life. I just don't understand why no one else cares! Why do people only care for their own well being? I mean, I suppose that according to Adam Smith, this is exactly what we are supposed to do in order to have a maximized efficient society, however, all it seems to bring is a dystopian numbness that, either, everyone sees and chooses to ignore, or everyone really is that oblivious to. I feel really stupid so can some please explain to me why I should care for the following things (and teach me how to care for them while we're at it)? Vegas, clubbing, drinking (hammered and pretentious drinking, good old fashion I get), conspicuous consumption: cars, phones, cheap tacky clothes passed off as "fashion", Disneyland, office jobs/corporate world, stepping on others to get to the top, Lady Gaga, love proverbs, being 'cool', trying to prove to others that you don't care when all that effort really just shows how much you do (we ALL do), being not so originally "original", putting others down, telling other people's secrets, acting like a grown-up. Shit, I know I'm guilty of some of these things, namely trying to be "original" and gossiping and it makes me sick to my stomach because I am disgusted with myself. I just don't understand it and it kills me because after all this schooling, I hate when I don't understand stuff. As an almost official social scientist who has studying the intricacies of this unjust world for the past 4 years, I realized this weekend that what's missing in my life is a good dose of literature and philosophy. I was rereading Hesse's Peter Camenzind and Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling this weekend and was filled with a type of nostalgia that can only be brought on by something you've never lived, only read about. Then as I was catching up on The Economist, I came across an article on a Picasso exhibit and the painting they used for the article was a portrait of Gertrude Stein so then I started thinking about Matisse, Picasso, Hemingway, and of course, Virginia Woolf. Of course, this is a minuscule listing of all the great masters and I began realizing how much wonderful literature and art there is out there waiting to be discovered. I used to read so much in high school, mostly due to the AP English courses I took, and, God, I loved all the meticulous works of art that drove me absolutely insane with ideas. I've decided that I must learn German well enough to read my favorite literature in original German texts. Maybe I'll have my roommate teach me, she speaks alemán.  Maybe I'll find a good school out in Berlin, or maybe I'll make my fantasy of a Prague Spring come true. One day it will happen, I know. First, I need to be somewhere in Latin America or the Middle East. I fear, though, that this is all talk. What if I end up living with my parents, working a financially comfortable and incredibly miserable office job? What if I end up pushing everyone out of my life? What if, for fear of this life, I end up settling for a family and a stable life? I fear I would end up dying extremely young. Do you ever feel that way? I hate it but I do, all too often. Anyway, the point of this sloppy rant is to say that all I can do at this point is to delve myself in bildungsroman (bildungsromen as plural? I kid!), art and music of the brilliant people I am so lucky to 'know'. I can only hope that their lifelong work contains the secrets to keep me going. Maybe they'll show me the path "home". Or maybe they'll let me know what I already know, that home is in me. Mind over matter. Maybe the piano lessons I'll be taking over the summer will offer me another form of relief & release (finally, it's been a childhood dream!). I feel, though, that my family will end up being the "icy heights that contain all reason". I'll soon realize this, however, I'm still in the medial chapters of this bildungsroman that is my life. Ramesh, I know the feeling conveyed in "Steven" all too well and although it seems that people end up settling back into the expected life, I have never been able to resettle. Coming back from Chile was extremely difficult; so was El Salvador. I've never fully been able to let go of that addicting romanticized fantasy of leaving this place for good. I think you haven't as well. At least, that's what I get from "Berlin, Without Return"; How do you deal with staying connected with your family? I fear cutting them off for the sake of my silly fantasy. Although, I guess in the age of Skype, it should be less of a problem. I don't know, it just feels odd. I don't want to miss Steven, I want to be with him. Tell me, is the beauty of it in actually having to leave him? Is the nostalgia the point of it all? Oh and "Warmest Part of the Winter" has been my ridiculously morbid comfort lately and, as ridiculously beautiful as the song is, I am scared. I should really just get through this last quarter of college, I am such an idiot sometimes.

All the stuff mentioned above.

-melidee

"I think I've been here before"

I know that I have been posting way too many Voxtrot related things lately but I suppose posting things that are of particular interest to me is what I'm supposed to do in my blog, so here it goes. As I was looking for the usual Voxtrot "Trouble" Youtube video I play at work (since Trouble is not on their Myspace or Facebook pages and since Pandora is random) I came across this video version I had never seen before. Simply put, I absolutely love it [I secretly watched it at work about three times before I felt guilty about not working, so continued to listen to it while doing general tasks around the office]. There is so much character to this video. I particularly like that it does not focus on Ramesh the entire time but rather on the environment. This is not to say that I believe this version is "better" than the original, it's just different. I know it's kind of unoriginal but "Trouble" has always been one of my favorite songs precisely because it has so much character, it's so vivid with imagery and wordplay, don't you think? It has this spunky, random, clever je ne sais quois spirit that always puts me in a good mood. 

So, I'd been having a relatively good couple of weeks, particularly regarding my senioritis, but yesterday I broke down. Of course, I decided to accompany my breakdown with Voxtrot as the soundtrack and, just like that, I had the most depressing night of the past two weeks. I ended up taking a night walk (It's finally Spring in Davis and absolutely beautiful) and through the purifying tears, I came to many realizations, including, how [lost and] lonely I am. The accompanying realization to this was that I am absolutely fine with it. I know, I know, everyone says this and as John Mayer says of his song "Perfectly Lonely", this is a feeling that lasts about as long as the song does, but, truly, I am. As Conor Oberst expresses in "Hit the Switch", this is how I feel 99% of the time: "I'm completely alone at a table of friends, I feel nothing for them-nothing, nothing!" I've never felt joy from being around people which is the primary reason I am so completely socially awkward, but I just cannot get myself to forge an appealing personality for the sake of friends. I just want to be a solitary soul, with Macbook and fingertips pen and paper in hand as the tools of a professional observer. Life is just too damn interesting, what else is there to do? Maybe one day, in a different context, I'll have a group of friends or something, but I just don't know. Anyway, lloré the entire walk home and felt absolutely cleansed-for the night at least. I truly believe that my life will always consist of this necessary depressing feeling, it's a sad life but it's the life I, foolishly, choose.

Today in Arabic class, I fell completely head-over-heels back in love with the language. I love analyzing and deconstructing the texts. If only I spoke it as well as I wrote it. It is written in the tea leaves & coffee grounds for me to relocate to a Middle Eastern country as soon as possible. Maybe life will seem a bit less senseless somewhere where the biggest cause of one's frustration is not something like terrible wireless signal (I'm so frustrated right now); maybe one day I'll be able to sentirme mas cerca a la especie humana, tan extraña para mi. Plus, life truly makes much more sense going from right to left, don't you agree? Enjoy!

see above

-melidee

Sad Portugal

Doing laundry makes me this feel this way. Pet peeve: finding an article of clothing you really needed washed, after you've loaded up the washer.

I have a ton of laundry, homework and cleaning up to do on this beautiful, lazy Sunday afternoon.
Tomorrow, I start the 6th week of my final quarter of college (6/10). It should be a good week. Besides wonderful school, I have tons of good stuff planned including checking out that new Tacos & Beer place in downtown with Karthika on Monday and attending  A Conversation with Tim Wise on Wednesday with my wonderful co-workers. The weather is beautiful so I also sense frequent visits in YoloBerry  in my immediate future.

Okay, I have Bikram in a couple of hours and still haven't had breakfast so must go. It's going to be a good Sunday, positivist affirmation, haha.

Regina Spektor "Sailor Song"

-melidee

Anfangen ist leicht, beharren eine Kunst.

Cheer me up, cheer me up, I'm a miserable fuck

Cheer me up, cheer me up, I'm a tireless bore

Cheer me up, cheer me up, I'm invisibly stuck

all in myself - yes - I'm a vanity whore.*

True Story.

 Voxtrot "Kid Gloves" * (yes, again)

-melidee

"Working"

via

My co-workers think I'm weird because this is the background pic on my desktop at work. I think it's incredibly beautiful. A little child running through the rice fields of Bangladesh; despite living in obvious 'misfortune', he seems -at this particular moment, at least- blissful. These are the moments we should acknowledge and appreciate a bit more. I mean, realistically, everything is meant to be temporary, so, why not? I'm having one of those days where I give the socially constructed concept of time way too much importance. I wish I could be in two places at once. My evening class has been canceled which is awesome because now I can go to Bikram (esp since I missed Monday) and yesterday's session was amazing. However, my friend just sent me a text message telling me that Chief Economist and Senior Vice President of the World Bank Justin Yifu Lin will be giving a free lecture on campus today. I think going to this lecture will be extremely interesting. Sometimes I forget how incredibly lucky I am to be a student in a 'prestigious' institute. As much as I hate the politics of economics, I really think I need to buckle down because that is the field I want to pursue. Anyway, I know Bikram is always there and I'm going tomorrow anyway but I really wish I could go to both. Okay, going off topic and I need to get back to work. I just wanted to share the photograph

Voxtrot "Honey Bee".  Fun fact: my name means 'honey bee' in Greek :]

-melidee

UPDATE: Lecture is full, a couple of us are chilling outside hoping to get in but seems like all the economists in northern California stuffed themselves into the lecture hall. Sucks, I wish students, especially those of us who go here and study economic development, could have a chance to listen to the lecture. Hmph. 

"Midterming"

I saw this linked on the Voxtrot twitter and just had to share it. I'm glad I'm not the only crazy person (still) devastated by their break up. Anyway, thought I'd share it cause, pretty much:

Fails Of The Week: Justin Bieber, Tom Petty, Jenna Jameson, The Killers, Voxtrot 

By John Seaborn Gray, Friday, Apr. 23 2010 @ 6:15PM

Voxtrot breaking up: This one hurts most of all. Those of us waiting for a follow-up to their brilliant 2007 self-titled album will never see our hopes realized, as the catchy-as-hell Austin indie band are throwing in the towel. We're having a hard time thinking of jokes to crack about this, quite honestly.

Now we're just sad. You guys can't... you can't hang together for one more album? Please? God dammit, we've been waiting three years! Sigh. Oh well. Guess we'll just listen to "Firecracker" again and go eat worms, Voxtrot. Thanks for NOTHING.

via

On the bright side, less than a month until the farewell show

Okay back to studying for the second midterm of the day

Voxtrot "Firecracker"

-melidee

It's all part of the balance act

 via

I hate missing Bikram. I go every day except Tuesdays and Thursdays because I have evening lecture and I can't make it in time for the last session. Today I had to miss because I'm studying for the two midterms I'll be taking tomorrow. Even though my body is extremely sore right now, I hate the way my body feels when I haven't "Bikramed" that day. Now I have to wait until Wednesday evening and I know it's going to be brutal considering the energy drink I'm poisoning my body with right now. Detoxing is the worst (Bikram the day after Picnic day was death). Anyway. quick post venting my dissatisfaction with the (obviously wise) choice of studying over yoga. Back to reading about migration and writing papers on feminism in Latin America :)

Voxtrot "Kid Gloves"

-melidee

La división de América en nacionalidades inciertas e ilusorias es completamente ficticia

This one is my favorite version, the original. I knew all the words to this song even before I could form a coherent sentence. I thank God every day for my upbringing, my ideals and my parents♥

Ali Primera "Sombrero Azúl"

-melidee

Una mujer con sombrero, como un cuadro del viejo Chagall*

Corrompiéndose al centro del miedo, y yo, que no soy bueno, me puse a llorar ♥

´

David e Betsabé. 1956. via

 

"Blue" Lovers. 1914. Oil on cardboard via

 Solitude. 1933. Oil on canvas via

M. Chagall  w. V. H. McNeill via

They only get better. I could stare at Chagalls all day.

Silvio Rodriguez "Oléo de una mujer con sombrero"*

-melidee

But life in the future is blissfully kind*

"Sufism" via Google Images

I like to think that I am an extremely tolerant person. I have personal beliefs and opinions-we all do-but I have never cared to push my beliefs and ideals on others. Contrary to popular belief, this is not why we were placed on this universe. Thus, the following statements are my personal beliefs and if you do not believe in a higher power or that something mystical surrounds us, I think that is truly wonderful for you. We all know deep in our gut what we believe or don't believe in; there will never be a justification for someone trying to change others' beliefs, that is absolutely personal. With that said, I would like to share a couple of thoughts about the day I've had. In my mind, today was a beautiful reaffirmation that there is mysterious being out there watching over me, he is God, Jesus, Moses, Abraham, Muhammad, Allah, Buddha, Gandhi, Krishna, Mother Teresa, each and every one of those figures we have somehow placed into the category of 'Very Important People'. However, this mystical being who watches over me is also my mother and father, that man on the train who takes my ticket, you-the person reading this post, and once in a while, a beautiful, soothing "overpaid prophet" who whispers words of wisdom in my ears.

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that this blog has absolutely no impact on anyone but myself. When I write, I wonder if others will read it. I began to think that if no one does, I would actually be glad because it gives me the liberty to write my heart out without having to censor myself to not offend (which is the case with my Twitter, the way I self-monitor myself has grown tiresome) because I believe it takes away the rawness I feel the need to express.

Yesterday, I also promised that I would try to post more often. It took about 24 hours for the mystical being to present me with the perfect situation to do so. As I stated in my last post, I've had a ridiculously beautiful couple of months enthralling myself in music by Voxtrot. I also did a terrible job at attempting to explain why it is that I've had this borderline obsession. The truth, I have absolutely no idea but somehow it feels right. I open up my iTunes and Voxtrot is the first thing I click on. Then I click on the repeat button. The repeat button is still on. However, I think I sent the wrong message so I would like to state that I do not, in any way, believe Voxtrot to be the musical superlative. I love all types of music (of course I do, commence the eyes-rolling) and, if forced to choose, Silvio Rodriguez will always be the ultimate musician in my opinion. When I write the following post, I am in no way placing Voxtrot in a Beatles-esque category (I think even they would agree). I also do not expect the reader to understand or agree. However, at this particular point in my life, Ramesh's lyrics have struck a ridiculously important chord and have been the best form of therapy for this most painful existentialist inter-conflict I've experienced to date. The lyrics are not particularly prophetic in any general sense, but rather, placed in context, have been increasingly prolific in my life. Sometimes the clairvoyance of the lyrics is due to the ingenious (and often random) word play or clever allusions to time and place. Other times, it's the adorably soothing voice in which the lyrics are sung or the way the melody begins to build up promising to bring even more brilliance. Most of the time, however, the attraction simply comes from listening to someone who is going (or has gone) through the exact same thing you are going through presently. There is a certain level of comfort you get from a beautiful stranger singing to you just when you are just about ready to break down during the walk to class. Ramesh/Voxtrot has been that comforting stranger lately.

So why is this relevant today in particular, as opposed to the last couple of months or to tomorrow? Today, out of all days, I wake up to this, a beautiful note explaining the reasons why (I will post the entire note below) Voxtrot will be no more. Now, I call myself a writer (how dare I ?!) but there are no real words to describe the feeling I had while reading it. You see, as an avid reader of Ramesh's blog posts, along with the obvious musical Sabbatical taken by the entity know as Voxtrot, I knew this day was fast-approaching. This realization did not detract from the je ne sais quois-esque feeling I got this morning. Of course, the feeling lingered throughout the entire day and I could not help but feel like a silly little girl for letting it affect me this much. However, it has; it is. My desire is to write them a personal letter; I wish I could sit down with Ramesh and let him know that I absolutely agree with this decision; I am certain in my heart that it is for the best. As he expresses in blog posts, as well as the farewell note, there comes a point in time where regressing for the sake of 'success' 'relevance' or any of the factors that have, in the past, made brilliant people regress, is preposterous. The newness he speaks of, I dare say, should also be converged with ingenuity. There is no point in ever producing fake bullshit (well, maybe in college) because literally all of the most revolutionary stuff we have--be it literature or technology--come from genuine, innovative risk-taking souls who refused give in to the expectations. It would be completely unfair for us to make them, Ramesh in particular, lend their name to material they are not absolutely proud of. Additionally, sometimes the fear we give too much energy to, is actually a manifestation of something greater; giving into that fear is actually necessary. I am shattered that there will be no new songs to look forward to, but I look at it this way: like I said before, the reason I find these songs so particularly revealing at this point in my life is because of the context--the situation I find myself in. It just so happens that I find myself completely infatuated with the situations, ideas, words, descriptions, etc that are expressed in these songs. Will this always be the case? I doubt it. One day I will find myself in a completely difference stage in life where these lyrics and these songs will not play as important of a role. At this point in time, I cannot conceive the notion of this happening, but it will. However, I am absolutely sure that I will always hold them in high regards. In addition, as Ramesh states in his farewell note, the songs are a " sovereign entity" that will always be. That, within itself, is comfort enough.

I would love the opportunity to comment on many aspects of the farewell note, however, today is not a good day. I know if I do, it would result in massive word vomit. Rather, I would like to state that, in addition to the solace received by the permanence of the songs, I was incredibly pleased to find out that a mini farewell tour will be happening. Even crazier, I actually already bought a ticket to one of the seven shows (this is when I thank God I live close to a big city!). I am not usually such an obsessive or impulsive person. In fact, this type of obsession is normally kind of a turn off to me. Additionally, by writing in such a 'fanatical' and impulsive way, I fear digging myself into a massive 'fan' pigeon-hole where, if given the chance to meet again, the guys would see me as nothing more than the fan (no mutual relationship can ever be established between two parties if one is perceived as significantly better). However, this time it felt right. I am looking forward to the show very much. I secretly hope that the guys will be plastered drunk and that the show will be terrible but enjoyable. Why? Well, okay, if I want to listen to a song in its perfection, I can just click play on iTunes. What I want is a memorable, fun, raw, genuinely good performance. I've already met the guys so that's definitely not on my to-do list, but I would like to say: Ramesh, it would be a pleasure to have a conversation with you one day. I've reread the "First, There is a Mountain" post about a million times, the one where you went to Monterrey. I keep thinking about that line "We depend on the kindness of strangers." I have characterized my entire life around this concept; ever since I was a child I have thought exactly this. No one knows the future but the expatriate plans I have of vagabonding my way around the world, have made me so conscious of exactly this. I believe this to be an essential part of my life. It's a two-way street, I try to offer my kindness to others; to me, this is the only way to live. Thank you, stranger. I do hope we can one day go for coffee somewhere , enthrall ourselves in great conversation and just smile the entire time because everything the other person says we reply with an "exactly!" I have a question for you: do you think they'll ever understand? I ask myself this question every single day. I guess I realized today that it really doesn't matter. There is actually a certain beauty in them not understanding. And all the frustration? I would take it over not understanding, any day, I'd like to think that it's all worth it.

Okay, second part of my interesting day. I'll make it short. About half a year ago, I was talking to my boss and somehow the topic of our favorite books came up. I began talking about the book that changed my life as a sophomore in high school, Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha. She became very interested and asked if she could borrow my copy. I have an extremely torn-up old copy that I love. Of course, I wanted to share the wisdom of this short novel so I let her borrow it. Time passed and I actually forgot she still had my copy. Today, she comes into my office and hands me a brand new copy. She says that she wanted to give me the new copy as a thank you for everything. I began to cry and told her about the morning I had with the whole Voxtrot thing (okay, I know, now you think I'm exaggerating) and she was so understanding. I'd like to thank the Universe for combining these two seemingly insignificant events (Voxtrot and Siddhartha) because it just reminds me that there is something out there, there is a reason for all these random events. I will now open to a random page in Siddhartha and see what it the Universe wants to tell me: "Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better" (pg 65).

Voxtrot "Trepanation Party" *

-melidee

June 2007-please ignore how hideous I look.

Via last.fm

via Brooklyn Vegan

The farewell note via :

Warning: This is a very long note, but then again, everything I write is very long.

Recently, a friend in Glasgow asked me to submit a few paragraphs for a piece he was putting together, regarding the end of Optimo (Espacio). Part of my submission reads as follows:

"Optimo is a reminder of the value of a shock to the system. Give yourself over to something foreign without fear or hesitation, and the creative manifestations in your own art will be remarkable. "

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The career path of Voxtrot was truly one of long, simmering build, explosion, and almost instantaneous decay. Slowly, I am learning to replace any feelings of regret with positive memories of how amazing the whole thing was, and how it has, in an unexpected way, fortified my character.

Making great art requires one to be fearless, and sometimes I've given too much energy to fear. Whenever I read an interview in which a band
claims they are going to return to the sound of their earlier, more popular work, a small part of me aches for them. It doesn't work like that-the popularity of the earlier work is based upon the sense of newness felt by the musicians at the time of creation. So, how to get back the newness…?

Approximately eight months ago, I spoke to my friend Simon and indicated that I was ready to give up on music, or at least leave it for the indefinite future, but he reminded me that you can't dedicate yourself to another job or a degree, or some other distraction just because you've got nothing else going-if you have the feeling that you were born to do something, you've got to follow that feeling.

As he told me, "Do it because you love music. Do it with passion."

And so I did what I had to do. I swallowed my pride and got two jobs, one of which involved clearing the dishes of the filthy-and-not-so-pleasant-rich, and while this sudden change in lifestyle was not altogether ideal, I was constantly aware that I was building towards something.

For me, the most important thing in life is leaving behind something beautiful, something that finds its way into the lives of strangers, and forever alters them in a positive manner. Sometimes, being able to do this means that you have to work the shitty job and serve bread to rich idiots, but whatever, it's better than just cashing in your chips and spending the rest of your life wondering, "what if…?"

In the end, I've come to realize that there really isn't any cause for disappointment. The fact is, the songs still exist, and the music of Voxtrot lives on as a sovereign entity which, outside of all criticism, positive or negative, belongs to the guys and me, and to everybody who ever loved it or believed. Taking into account every person I've met, every place I have visited, every emotional exchange I have ever had with a listener, there is absolutely no room for regret.

In fact, the other day, I was thinking about it in the shower and decided that my situation was analogous to Peter Falk's glass eye. You probably don't know this, but I am a massive fan of Columbo-it is the only detective show in which there is no mystery, thus the entire reason you watch it is because you just love him (Falk) so much. It is a true testament to the power of a strong character. Anyway, when Peter Falk was five years old, one of his eyes had to be removed, due to a malignant tumor. Obviously, this is bad, BUT, had it not happened, he would never have developed his signature stare, which, let's face it, accounts for at least a small percentage of his overall appeal. Whatever I create from this point on, I will only create because of everything, good or bad, that has happened thus far.

Being in Voxtrot has been wonderful and amazing, but it is only one chapter in the book...

When I was in high school, I was a great fan of the Scottish band, Travis, and I have always harbored a secret desire to meet the band's frontman, Fran Healy. Not so long ago, at my friend Lucy's studio in Berlin, I had the fortunate experience of doing just this. He was buying a painting of hers, and we spent about three hours conversing. Eventually, our conversation drifted towards the ebb and flow of our respective careers, as well as the anger that comes with not knowing how to pull oneself out of a creative rut. Obviously, our two careers have been on different scales, but nonetheless, the associated concepts are universal. At the end of the conversation, he said to me, "You can't to keep writing the same song. You have to throw away the map. AND you have to keep creating, even if it goes nowhere for a while, you have to always keep creating… and it'll be great."

And he's right. I must leave again-take a risk, do something radical, but in order to do that, I need closure. This is not to say that Voxtrot will never play again, and certainly, if Voxtrot has never been to your country (or continent) we are open to ideas, but for all intents and purposes, this series of live shows will be the last.

Part of doing something with love is being able to say "goodbye" at the right time. Thank you for everything. On to the next one...

Love,
Ramesh

These gears keep turning, these lives keep burning*

part of Ernst Ludwig Kirchner's series of Berlin Street Scene
Via "Street Walkers" in Art Blog by Bob

Hello,

I'm back and hopefully for good this time. Every time I look at the date stamp on the last blog post, I die a bit inside. One of my biggest pet peeves in "the blog world" is when people take such a drastic leave of absence. Although I highly doubt I have a huge following, I am very touched when people ask me why I haven't updated my blog in so long. The truth is that there is no particular reason but rather a sort of aggregate events of this existentialist trip I'm going through. I am currently finishing my last couple of months as an undergraduate student. I really will not exhaust you with all the cliche details as there are innumerable posts by college students in the similar situation. I still don't know what I will be doing after college. I am curious about what others in my shoes will be doing, I guess you can track my post-college life here, I promise I will try to update as much as possible, if only a silly Twitter-like update or a song of the day.

So, to summarize the last seven months:
I did make it to El Salvador and it was quite the experience. "Life-changing" I believe is what I called it for a while. True, it was extremely life changing. Like any other young privileged Westerner who steps foot in "the Third World" (the quotations used are actually a HUGE part of the reason I have been absent, more on that later) I have learned to appreciate & count my blessings even more than ever. I'd like to argue that my experience was even more impacting because 1) This is what I study. I study development in the developing world through the multidisciplinary program of International Relations. I could go into pretentious jargon as to why that was an extremely important aspect to my trip, but suffice to say that it was. The training that I have had for the past four years makes the difference between someone stepping foot in a pueblito looking at the more superficial consequences that are poverty, poor health and infrastructure, high inequality, etc and feeling that tug in the heart with the temporary need to "help" versus someone who goes in and understands that these superficial realities are part of a systematic machine that goes way beyond politics, economics, human rights and all those often-cited (and rightfully so) causes. The mere fact that most of us are guilty of utilizing the socially constructed term "Third World" to facilitate the generalization of these nations that are different (and obviously less fortunate) than us is what's wrong. The problem, at it's core (at least for me), is "othering", plain and simple. I will leave the explanation to anthropologists and their heavy (but so interesting and essential) articles but it is quite an obvious notion and yet we all seem to downplay it (arguably because it is so deeply ingrained within our socialization and culture that we rarely notice it) however, I am appalled by the people to my surroundings about, oh, 99.9999% of the time. I spend a lot of time alone so, yes, I am including myself in "people". I'm trying to make a conscious effort to live a good life. I know I will never be able to change the world, however, just being able to share these thoughts and ideas with my younger brother and sister in order for them to be conscious citizens of this world is good enough for me. Well, that and being an expatriate as soon as possible :)

I'm sure I have lost many of you by now because this stuff is basic and uninteresting, but I will quickly move on to the second reason 2) I have a personal connection with El Salvador which is not often the case for many development workers or tourists (arguably, this is a good thing). When I saw what we consider to be people living in extreme poverty, I had the natural heart tugging and I am guilty of shedding many tears during my stay. However, the worst part was that this was my family, direct family. I sat with dying uncles, hard-working great aunts, cousins full of potential and no opportunities, and overall desperation. At first, I felt bad for "them" but after about a couple of hours, I had never felt happier in my entire life. They were all so happy and content with what the good Lord has provided for them. We can get into SO many things that are wrong with the previous statements. There are religious, societal, economic and oppressive factors that go into instructing these people to "feel content", to settle and accept their fate but for now l'd like to present an alternative view, not as a counterargument but as a compliment to our views as educated individuals. Those two weeks (and the subsequent anthropology of development class I took) made me realize how, along with how ethnocentric we are, we are so extremely convinced that our way of life should be what everyone else needs. Duh, we all know this, but do we really? Take a statement from my cousin's 26-year-old wife Sarita made while she as washing her baby's cotton diapers: "I hear you guys have machines where you just throw in your clothes and soap to wash them! Ugh that's disgusting, I would never trust a machine to wash my clothes as well as I do! I would never!" Your first reaction (as was mine) is 'well, obviously she has never had a washing machine, they are amazing and very time efficient!' Obviously to us, we so factually attribute the washing machine as the obvious better method if you have access to one. Thus, for us, the answer is to introduce the washing machine to these women and show them that they, indeed, are the better choice. I mean, all the time they save by not having to do laundry by hand could be efficiently allocated to another, more productive, task and consequently maximize their income, utility, marginal returns, etc. But why? So they can have this sad, selfish, consumptive fast-paced culture based on time equals money mentality? That would be truly sad; Think about it, why do people romanticize Europe, Latin America and all the other exotic/cultural tourist destinations? Essentially, to get away from this fast-paced lifestyle. Are all of you familiar with the concept of a siesta? I absolutely believe that if we, as a society, were to institutionalize a siesta-like concepts we would fix so many of our 'societal problems'. As humans, we can only go so far and can only take so much. Seriously, this is all painfully obvious and I could really write an entire book on the subject but I felt compelled to share a bit of my trip. I'll also post this link to my Facebook photo album so you can have a visual of it.

The second reason I been away for a while is because once I was back from my trip, I took an anthropology of development course with a wonderful lecturer who pretty much changed my entire life for the worse or for the better, depends on how you look at it. The class, based on deconstructing the development field in the most intricate form, basically shook everyone's foundation and made us take a difficult and painful look at the reality of the, often corrupt, field. Our amazing lecturer presented us with the rich anthropology literature, personal experience and deep discussion for the entire quarter. I have never been so impacted by a class in my entire life and if I could begin to explain all I've learned, it would already be too much. However, I hope to sprinkle some of the concepts and influences from the class in my blog from now on. I hope to become a better citizen of this world. I always believed that I already was because I care so much about this world. I study what I do because I want to dedicate my life to helping others less fortunate but that right there, "othering" is a problem within itself. By "othering" others into a "Third World" we are continually perpetuating the existence of said world. I am not saying that if we all stop calling these "Less Developed Countries" "Third World" that all their problems will go away, but I guess I am slightly hinting at it. The perpetuity of words is powerful and we subconsciously feel like the citizens of these worlds (wtf, we are one world!) are alien and almost subhuman. Thus, although for the longest time I was solid sure that I wanted to go into the development field, now I am questioning whether or not that is the right approach. By going into the development field, especially the way it structured right now, I am helping the discourse that states these people are too dumb to dig themselves out of their dire situations when in reality, we helped establish the order. I suppose many of you would disagree but really, if we were just a bit more empathetic (you know, the whole 'put yourself in others' shoes' cliche) our world would not be in the state it is. What I mean is this: Guatemalan singer/songwriter Ricardo Arjona uses this analogy to make the point: A woman is having dinner with her friend and the friend asks the woman, how is your son doing? The woman replies: Oh terrible! He has a horrible heartless wife who makes him work all day so she can go shopping, take vacations. He bought her a new car, a huge house, and basically works like a dog to spoil her! She is terrible and inconsiderate! My poor son suffers so much because of her! The friend then asks, how is your daughter doing? The woman replies: Oh my gosh, she is wonderful! She has a hard-working husband who takes such good care of her. He takes her on vacations, he lets her go shopping all the time. He bought her a new car, a beautiful huge house and they are basically living a wonderful life! He is a wonderful son in law! Do you see it? Why are we like this? Why do we only see what we want?; we only see the good and bad when it benefits us. Our view of "the Third World" is entirely the same way. Again, I could go on but there is no real point right now. I'll sprinkle these thoughts in my posts from here on out but I do hope I make sense.

Anyway, beside all of that, nothing else of much interest has occurred. I'm just finishing up my last quarter (while suffering from a major case of senioritis), working (more like training the new girl) and am in my third week of practicing Bikram Yoga and am absolutely loving it. I have been wanting to do it since freshman year when my friend Evelyn invited me but I have not had time nor money to spare; I suppose I still don't but I realized that it was now or never so I jumped on! Although I have not necessarily lost any weight, I feel incredible. It has been one of the best choices I have made in a long while.

Lastly, I have many random thoughts in my head but I'll share this one: Ramesh from Voxtrot is pretty much keeping me sane (or making me insane, again depending on how you view it). You see, I've loved Voxtrot for a very long time (in fact, if you look back at May or June 2007 blogs or earlier actually you will see me discussing their music and post pictures of when I met them!) but for the past month I've had a ridiculous obsession where literally all I can listen to is Voxtrot. Additionally, if you have been a follower of my blog, you will note that I have linked Ramesh' s blog (which he hasn't updated in forever, boooo!) on Mis Favoritos for about 3 1/2 years. I've always thought he was an interesting person but lately it has grown into something I cannot explain. I've reread three years worth of his blog about 5 times and I understand what he writes all too well. He has literally been my source of "train station glance" for the past month. Anyway, after about two weeks of nonstop listening to them, I decided to see if they had any new stuff and I was pleased to find that they released two new songs. When I saw the title to the first song, I nearly collapsed. Okay, side story that eventually ties in: you all pretty much know I have an obsession with Latin America and the Middle East. Europe has never really caught my attention because I feel like it's overrated, eeeeeeeeveryoneeeeee wants to go to Europe. Anyway, my only exceptions have been the cities of Barcelona and Prague. Prague, in particular, has been a secret obsession I've had since I was in middle school because I noticed all my favorite models were from Prague and for The Prague Spring. Last quarter I was forced to take a Western Civilization course and it changed my entire perspective of Europe as a whole (for the better) and Germany in particular. I never really connected the dots as to how influential the Hapsburg Empire / Germany have been to my life. All the intellectuals I look up to and the philosophy, economic, sociological and political literature that I enthrall myself in are all original German texts. Obviously, I know all the rich history of Europe, but for some reason my view was clouded by the overrated romanticist version of it (and I hate when things are overly extolled, the reason I cannot stand Lady Gaga!). Anyway, the past couple of months I've been toying with the fantasy of moving to Berlin (I feel like the Berlin scene is exactly what I need at this particular point in my post-adolescence idealistic phase) and frequenting Prague and Warsaw. I mean, it is literally the most obvious, cliche and pretentious route I could take but it feels right. If any of you have suggestions as to how I can make this a reality, please message me! :) Anyway, back to Voxtrot. So I search for their new stuff and it just so happens that the new single is called "Berlin, Without Return". I knew that Ramesh was in Berlin because I frequent his blog, but for some reason this title says it all. The song is beautiful and the title of this post is a line from it*. I could blab on and on but, like I said, the title says it all. My mind is currently in Berlin.

I will be updating frequently, I promise but if I don't pleeeease pressure me!
Oh, I'll try to skim through this but I'm going to leave it mostly unedited because I really just want to post this already so forgive the major typos!


Voxtrot "Berlin, Without Return" and "Trouble"

-melidee